Finding Beauty

Wow, looking at this screen and I see that it's been 6 months since I've sat down and put my thoughts and feelings out there. I often forget that I have this thing that I love to do, and that is so cathartic, therapeutic, liberating.

I wanted to share with you a little experiment I've been working on in my life. Maybe you'll give it a go to, it's been great for me.

A few years back, maybe 6 now, I went through some INTENSE therapy because I needed to purge some awful beliefs I had about myself, so in that process I decided that the sun will shine out of my ass, and that I would become LOVE. Whenever, wherever I could, just be love, see love, find love in every corner of my life. I was stuck in a deep and dark hole, and I had to dig my way out. I have been looking for the love, finding the love and when I can being the love, and here I am 6 years later living in the sunshine state… coincidence… I think not!

At first it was really difficult to find it in my love so I people watched, my nephew Jasper was born, watching my sister become a mama was such a beautiful thing to see, that little being changed her life immeasurably for the good, he was so pure and sweet, beauty beyond measure. From then it got a little easier, changing my perspective, how I looked at the world around me, it changed the way I interacted with people around me, and eventually the way I had conversations with myself. YES I talk to myself! don't you? pump yourself up to have a conversation your dreading, talk yourself into going for that jog that you don't wanna do now but that you know will make you feel a million times better when it's over, and my most common convo "put down the cheeseburger burger Jewls, it's no good for you"

So this weekend I finally realized that I hadn't done this exercise in a while, and I needed a good reminder of the love and beauty that surrounds me. So I set my intention, on the train Friday evening, heading into the city to meet my favourite guy for a date night. "I will consciously look for the beauty in my life" It's amazing what you find when your looking for it! a couple having dinner, and the subtle hand holding under the table, as though just for them, but I had a sneak peak of their affections! My lovely man, braving the packed salsa dance floor just for me, and once we were dancing, no one else was there, just us. My son, splashing in the pool, saying with pride, "mama did you see me! I can do it all my by self" yes he really says it backwards, and I don't correct him because it's so damn cute! My wee little man just chilling by himself in the soft rain, twirling a leaf between his fingers, and giggling at his daddy doing a cannon ball, and splashing all the way onto the deck where he's sitting. My friend threw a stellar Pirate birthday party for her 3 year old and her partner, and she got right into it, with the pirate accent, all the kids were captivated, that's one birthday party that little girl will remember forever, how her mummy made her feel so special on her birthday. My girlfriend's daughter is quite shy but last night I scored a cuddle AND a fishy kiss! Ryan and I were putting the boys to bed, and Jacob reading books to Levi, a very proud moment for Ryan and I. They really love each other! And now, early morning cuppa joe in silence, only the tapping on the keyboard, and the birds in the garden. the hummmmmmm, stillness, beauty.
Let's be real for a minute, life isn't all sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows, it can be fucking frustrating sometimes, after telling the boy 5 times, "stop throwing things" and he trows it again, and pegs you in the head and I just want to loose my shit on him. Some days I hate the sound of my own voice, and wish I could take a vow of silence. My life is FAR from perfect and peaceful, but conciously finding the simple beautiful things, and allowing those moments to overshadow the craptastic ones makes life so much easier, I'm so much more relaxed, and I think I am a better mama and a better person for it.

Life is good folks, you just have to go out and look for it, go out and find it, I promise you won't be disappointed

so there's my two cents for the day! have an awesome Saturday, I hope the day is as sunny and beautiful for you as it was for me.

my sweet boy turns one

Well that flew by! I can't believe he's been around for a full year! My extra appendage, my barnacle, my little leech, my koala, my sweet little Levi.

Let me take you back for a minute....

well maybe 5 because I'm long winded!

We had just had an ultrasound, the ultrasound that VERY overdue women get, just to make sure everything in there is still ok, and that you can carry on being HUGE for another week. I secretly wanted everything to be fine so I could continue being pregnant so I didn't have to make any decisions, so I could just hopefully let nature take it's course, and let my body do it's birthing in it's own time. Unfortunately I had low fluids so I was forced to make choices.
" you need to have this baby in the next 24 hrs or so, so you and the husband have some choices to consider"
 I hate deciding what to make for dinner, what makes you think I want to make important decisions like this one. Don't get me wrong, I like being in charge most of the time, but I was so afraid that no matter what I chose, the end result would be the same.
" behind curtain number one... a nasty tasting witch potion that throws you into labour and we'll see how you do! OR curtain number two (other un pleasant things to make labour start that don't need to be mentioned, EEEEWWWWWW!) , OR curtain number 3 a long recovery C-Section.
We chose curtain number one! ...... and then eventually had to choose curtain number 3. But I was wrong in assuming it would be the same outcome as Jacob's scary birth. This C-Section was GREAT! I was calm, Ryan was holding my hand, the anesthesiologist was cracking jokes with us, it was a light happy moment, and then I got the surprise of my life!
Surgeon~ "Oh look! HE'S peeing on you!"
Me" WHAT??? It's a BOY???"
anesthesiologist "HA, your in trouble!"

I was all prepared for my Georgia Anne, but we got a sweet Levi Erik instead.

As a mother you would think that I should take the role of teacher, leader, but he teaches me about kindness, fearlessness and forgiveness every day. He reminds me to not get so caught up in the how or why's of life, and just BE. Children are simple, in the best kind of way. He does what he wants and needs, in his own time. He is quick to forgive, forget the wrong doing, and move on to what ever makes him happy, like playing in mama's lime tree pot. rolling the wet soil in his fingers, tasting it. Ahhhh life is simple and life is good for a one year old, and I'm sad to be watching it all unfold so fast. Before long he'll be telling me to go away, stop kissing me mama, or breaking my planters, just to see if he can make me loose my shit.
Why and how do they go from being so sweet, to being these little devils who push and push and frustrate you, make you want to shave your head and get a stupid tattoo and re-live the days of being an irresponsible asshole who thought that somewhere there were people who wanted carry me on a daybed through the streets like Cleopatra. WOW what the fuck was I thinking right! what a nutter I was!

So Levi... if you are reading this down the road, and you're all grown up, a few things I would like to say to you: I love you fiercely. You are a boy, you are a Holmes boy, and you are my son, so I'm sure you'll get yourself into plenty of trouble, but here's the important part, keep that spirit of the gentle, determined, sweet bubby with you. Don't leave this part of you in the dust, take him with you, or else I'll slap you! hehehe just kidding

Happy birthday my little dude, mama loves you
TO THE MOON!

the first time I layed eyes on you, I fell in love!

Wacky mama and her boys!

jewls v5.2

So this all started with Ryan entering into yet another weightloss challenge with a friend. He loves his food but he loves winning more so like a supportive wifey, I decided to jump on the band wagon with my man. He turned into this focused animal, eyes on the prize, won't give up will power machine! which makes me look bad, so I started to jog... again....

Keep in mind that the last time I jogged it was a painful activity in purging the shit I'd be stuffing for years. Now I'm jogging and I am fighting back the tears. Tears because I feel guilty for doing something good for me, tears because I feel like someone else when I run, tears because this feels like the beginning of yet another change in my life and I've had about enough change for a while, tears because I want to let this healthy person out of the shell who has been tucked away in a corner for far too long, but it's hard to let go of old habbits and beliefs about yourself, but mostly, tears because I feel free. I put on my grams' socks and lace up my shoes, plug in my ear buds press play and I'm off. The glorious wind in my face that almost reminds me of being on the motorcycle, like I'm flying, like I can go anywhere I want, but I am the engine powering this ride. Fuck saddlebags I'm not bringing baggage on this ride! 
Now typically I'm not the hugest Rihanna fan, but her song comes on "where have you been all my life, cause I never see you around, are hiding from me, somewhere in the croud" My interpretation is this: we are all looking for someone, something to please us, treat us right, make us feel good about ourselves. Well if the answer to that isn't ME, than I don't know what it is. I need to be able to be happy with me, love me in my own skin, be kind and gentle with myself, be proud of myself. If I don't love me than who will? well I know Ryan does, he loves me on my worst days, sweatpants, wild bed head and a snotty tear stained face, he loves me thru it all, but that's not the point here...

So I kept running past the tears and what I found is simply me! Jewls v5.2 A woman who just wants to be healthy so she can be a good role model for her kids, a supportive wife,  and someone who just wants to love the skin she's in! 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?  Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Marianne Williamson

So... I'm going to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous

and pour me another rum and coke!

what about you?

Soy Colombiana! I love my rice n beans! even if they make me fart like a trucker, I don't care!

So here is my ALL TIME FAVORITE MEAL! it brings me back to being a little girl. The simplest of ingredients blended together in the right way and it makes the house smell like ... home

Black (turtle) beans, rice, salsa, and guacamole & corn tortillas with cheese. Now if I could only get my Papa to come and make it for me, the meal would be complete! He always takes joy in preparing meals for his family, it is his gift to us, healthy, wholesome, and delish! made with LOVE

Mine never turns out quite like his does (he says it's the love) but here goes my best rendition of his masterpiece

1 cup black beans-soak them for a few hrs, or for the day, and drain the water, give them fresh water to cook in. It's been said that doing this minimizes the farts, but really, your eating beans, or maybe we're just a gassy family. try it, I hope it works for you!
ok, back to the beans, 1c beans to 4 1/2 c water in the pressure cooker. add a shake of salt, 2 or 3 whole garlic cloves, a small palm full of cumin seeds and a dribble of olive oil. seal that bad boy up, burner on High.
When you hear the first steam blow, set the timer to 20 minutes!  yup, it's that quick, from dry beans to fully cooked! I usually start the rice and the beans cooking at the same time!

Salsa- 3 Lg tomatoes diced, 1/2 yellow onion chopped finely, 1-2 garlic cloves grated fine, 1 red pepper diced. throw it all in the fry pan, saute it all up with some olive oil, a shake of salt, 1 teaspoon of vinegar (you can use white vinegar or papa likes to use vinegar from the pickled jalapeno rings!)  1 tbsp of soy sauce, cook until onions are soft and the tomatoes are melting!

Guacamole - 2 Avocados, 1 finely grated garlic clove, juice from one lime, a shake of sea salt, some chopped cilantro (coriander for all you Aussies!) a dollop of plain Greek yogurt (papa doesn't mix dairy with avocado, some fruit law... can't remember, but I like it and it's my blog dammit!) mash and mix it up!

cornflour tortillas
take off your rings and wash your hands because this can get messy, but it's oh so good! Jacob loves spanking tortillas with me! and then he eats the dough raw, whatever, it's yummy!
I can't tell you exact measurements, it's all done by texture
a cup or 2 of Maseca cornflour a shake of salt and slowly mix in WARM water. mix/knead for at least 5 minutes and until you can knead it all into one ball.  everything sticks from the edge of the bowl, but not too dry. Take a ball the size of a golf ball, and squish between two pieces of wax paper using a plate, you will know if it's too dry if the edges split. if that's the case get your hands a little wet, and play with the dough and try again! OR
If you want to try, do it by hand! I call it spanking you tortilla! As a little girl I watched for hours as papa's friend's wife from Nicaragua make hand made tortillas, passing this tortilla back and forth spanking it, shaping it, it got thinner and thinner with each pass from one hand to the other, it's burnt into my memory.
you cook it on a hot cast iron grill, I have been using the flat grill on my BBQ!, lightly oiled, preheat the grill to High, and turn down to medium. put em on the grill and start making the next one till the grill is full, check often, move them around flip them a few times until they are nice and browned bubbles on both sides.

I like to put a layer or rice on the bottom of my bowl, then some beans, salsa, some put some guacamole right in the bowl, some spread it on their tortilla, some use their tiny hands as spoons and shovel it in their mouths and spread into their faces and hair, totally up to you, but how ever you chose to eat it, belly up to the troph and...

he has loved his rice and beans forever

him too!

made with love!

buen provecho! bon apetit! good eats!

makes me drool just looking at it!

OMNOMNOM!

So folks I decided I might share with you some of my favorite quick, yummy and sometimes healthy meal ideas!

Let's start with some pizza on the grill!
The crust: is the thorn in my side! I love making it from scratch, but I can never get it right on the grill, I'll have to chat with my sister Ashley about that one, she's the pro! so for now we'll go with store bought! thin crust
Sauce: a lovely Italian man told me simple, quality ingredients, and don't forget to add the love! So I usually start with a can of whole tomatoes, not the no name, the expensive ones! some sea salt, sometimes if I have time, 1 or 2 roaster garlic cloves, sometimes a couple of roasted red peppers,  always olive oil and zing it up in the bullet!
toppings: 1. to make it super simple I drop some pretty basil leaves, sliced baby zucchini halved cherry or grape tomato, flesh side up and sliced (NOT grated) mozzarella, makes for a ooey gooey yummy eats
2. If I have a bit more time I like to saute some mushrooms, red pepper, onion, while that's sizzling I add some quality Italian sausage, we like something spicy! spread the sauteed toppings, top with sliced mozzarella
3. I trade tomato sauce for BBQ sauce, saute onion and mushroom, cut up leftover chicken and throw some BBQ sauce on that, and mix it in with the sauteed onions, spread on crust and add slices of mozza!
on the Grill because I love the char yummy on the bottom, and I don't like heating up the whole house with a pizza craving!
preheat the grill, turn it down to medium heat, rub a bit of olive oil on the bottom of your crust and place it directly on the grill. keep a close eye on it, cook until the cheese is bubbly! you may have to turn it around on the grill a few times if you have a hot spot on your grill! mine is always hotter in the back. And to get that yummy specimen off the grill, four words...double fist the flippers!

 

here are just a few pics of the different ways I've tried making pizza on my grill! enjoy!

in perfect balance

 Let me take you through my day. we get up, I make breakfast for the boys and we eat together, I pack a lunch get us all dressed and we're off to drop Jake off at School
"After you wake up from nap, you'll have afternoon tea then when you go outside to play mama will be there... I promise" kiss, he cries, and I walk away feeling a little sad, but it gets so much better!

Today felt like things fell into place, and went smoothly, and I accomplished more that I ever imagined I could. Grocery shopping while carrying mistersito, he fell asleep with his tiny perfect little lips against my chest! what a treat, these sweet moments are quickly coming to an end, he's such a busy boy! So while I strolled through the isles, savoring the sweetness that was asleep on my boobies, I sipped my yum yum guilty pleasure. Milk tea half the sugar and every last yummy pearl. mmmm...... bubble tea! then off to another mall to grab some potty training appropriate shorts for Jake. YUP! potty training! so excited! if I never have to wipe his poppy ass again I'll do the happy dance for a week! then the little man and I grabbed out weekly sushi to go, off to the house to put everything away and eat our nummy sushi that somehow tastes better because it's so cheap!

Off to bed for a real nap goes the bambino, and I furiously clean so I can sit for a while with my cup of tea and watch some crappy soap opera. Yup, I've been watching the same one since I was maybe 14? pretty bad, I know, I'm hooked! I get through some laundry, fold and stuff the nappies. I did all of this with my hair up with these cute curls falling around my face, mascara, bronzer and... red lips! yup, I was feeling pretty sassy today! But here is where I wipe those lips clean and wash the mascara away because I was about to get seriously sweaty! Levi woke up and we went for a jog to pick up Jake, found out he had a wonderful day, NO ACCIDENTS!!! I couldn't be prouder! I jogged home, while Jake cheered me on, "good job running mama!" There is something about going for a jog or a ride on my bike, with the wind in my face, I control how fast or how slow, feels like time will stand still for me so I can just.... be...enjoy. It takes my breath away every time, and I wonder "why don't I do this more often?"

I made an easy healthy meal while watching Jake jump on his new FREE trampoline (the short version: a reputable department store was on island time when it came to deliver it, so... I yelled, they said "free?" I said ok!) and my sexy husband take care of the yard, and perform his pool boy duties! (not that it's officially his job, but I like to think I have a sexy pool boy who comes around and services the pool...and other things!) We ate, Jake sand for us, we laughed at the amount of food Levi had on his whole body and under his chair. The boys played, giggled while I quickly cleaned up the no mess supper then had a lovely hot shower with no interruptions! no "mama, look, that's your belly!" or "mama that's your boobies!" or "mama, where's your penis?" just me, with wild giggles in the background. I took my turn at putting Jake to bed and he read ME 3 books! a kiss and he was off to never never land, third star on the right and straight on till morning.

Today I feel like I finally have balance. I feel beautiful, I feel powerful. I feel like a nurturing mother, I feel like I nurtured myself. I feel like I made my husband's day easier (because everything he does at home makes my life easier) we ate healthy, I treated my body to a good sweat, a long shower, I spent that extra time snuggling my boy to bed, it was an awesome day, like the universe gave me the opportunity to make it a good one and I think I did pretty damn good!

Now I'm off to crawl into bed with my best friend, my partner, my hot pool boy!

life is good!
nighty night all
xo

letting go a thousand times over

Last Friday Jacob went to school for the first time. Well it's not "school" per say it's pre-kindy but Jacob calls it school I KNOW HE'S WAY TOO YOUNG FOR SCHOOL RIGHT? FAWK! tear number one, man this makes me weepy, let's see how many times I cry writing this! 

I do a lot of thinking when I'm up at night, nursing my baby, rubbing a sick boy's back, singing him a lullaby, getting a glass of water, and of course going wee for the umpteenth time GAWD I hate this post baby bladder!

Anyway, back to thinking... thinking about what this is all about, this gig called "mama" I often wonder why us mama's have a little tear of when your baby makes a milestone. Yesterday Levi really waved at me, not random coincidence, but he looked at me with a HUGE grin, I said "Hi buddy!" and he waved! and I couldn't stop HA more tears... OK, that's two.

Every little milestone, from the first time I let someone feed them a bottle, to sitting up, walking, talking talking back! Learning new things, figuring out that mama is the only one in the house that doesn't have a penis! (which by the way I get questioned about every time he catches me in the shower or getting dressed, getting annoying!) I get all weepy. It's this overwhelming wave of pride. Ryan and I created these boys! my body grew this? still find myself a little baffled as to how that happened, but then I have this little moment of sorrow. This moment is one step closer to my baby growing up and not needing me, 1 more thing he can do for himself, he doesn't need me to ... insert new milestone....for him anymore. I have had this moment a thousand times over with Jacob, and it had begun with Levi, but this "school" thing is different 

all ready with his pack pack

It's big for my boy's independence, for his self confidence and for my sanity! a small side note, grocery shopping with one little monkey that doesn't talk back and  doesn't "mama I NEED dis candy...dis coloring book...dis cookies"  along the way is AWESOME!

it's also big because I have to let him go out in the world, let go of the belief that I am the only one that can get him to nap nicely, he napped 2 hrs on his first day! clearly I'm wrong. I have to trust someone else to look out for him, teach new things that unfortunately he won't learn from me right now because we both need a time out from eachother.

So the proof is in the pudding right? he came home from school the first time and just wanted to hug Levi, bring him toys, and told me, "mama I luff mine Levi!" is that sweet or what! Friday after we got home from school he opened his "pack pack" and gave me 2 paintings "look mama, I paint! dis for you" I get all teary eyed and he says "it's OK mama, I a big boy"

Yes you are!

"I want a pack pack too!"

All in all it's a few tears shed, confidence gained, and one beaming proud mama and daddy

better days

snuggled up with his long lost pal boog

Well it's 2013! If you would have asked me a year ago where I would be in the next year, never in a million years would I have guessed I would be here!

So we moved into our new home, and our sea freight FINALLY arrived! It feels like forever ago we watched the packers roll in and pack up my life and left my home empty and a little sad looking. But finally it's all here, my bed, our couch and chair, Levi's crib and the soft bumper pads that keep his little melon from rolling into the bed frame, Jacob's HUGE Boog  and all his favorite books. all our favorite comforts of home. we are basically unpacked, just a few boxes under the house, garage stuff. This has been a long journey from home in Calgary to home in Brisbane.

I was so worried about Jake and how he would adjust, what life would be like for him, how he would handle this move, and he's been a real trooper. He's gone with the flow, adjusted to where ever we lay a mattress on the floor for him to sleep. I'm so proud of him, but I'm also worried about him.

precursor, I do realize... he is two.
I've been watching him in social situations, and for the most part he's aggressive, loud, in their faces with his scary grumpy voice. he's hitting, pushing kids over, not sharing, taking toys away from kids, picking on the little ones. This is not only mortifying for me to watch, and try to discipline him thru, but it's embarrassing. I've read over and over that our kids will re-live our worst parenting moments for us to see. I am so embarrassed to admit but the grumpy yelling that he does, I will take responsibility for.I have lost my patience with him on many occasions over the last 3 months where the scary mommy shriek comes out, and then I hear myself. and the look on his little face is so sad. FUCK
I don't want to make him feel small. I hope these aren't the memories he will have of his childhood. I want him to remember the times we make forts and he "cooks me" suppers and I gobble it all up, or when we have picnics in the park, snuggle time at bed time and how I tickle his back to calm him down, all the boo boos I've kissed away.

Here it is...
I'm not the perfect mama.
No mother is perfect. to be human is to error. part of being human is seeing the lesson, and learning from it, doing better next time. This "mama" gig is a tough job is ever changing, constantly challenging me, it's a difficult job, but if it was easy, it probably wouldn't be so rewarding when he is having an amazing moment and the happy sweet boy that I know is in there comes out. Watching my kid kiss someone's ouchie better and asking " are you ok?" or "thanks for sharing buddy" are some of my proudest moments as a mama.

Sometimes I need a reminder that I don't have to be perfect, I just need  to do better than the last time. Learn from my mistakes move onto better days

So that's where we're at. moving onto better days, growing, learning, and hopefully a whole lot of fun along the way!