Monday, May 7, 2012

letting go...

So it has occurred to me that maybe writing down my fears may help me sort them out, so here we go.

How I had planned and envisioned Jacob's birth vs. how it actually went was very different. I had hoped for a peaceful home birth in my tub but I ended up with an emergency C-Section, I was knocked out, and Ryan was put in a tiny room with a window to watch through the tiny spaces between the blinds. I was scared. Scared because it all happened so fast, scared because I didn't understand why it had happened, and scared because my last memory before they knocked me out was that my son's heart rate was rapidly dropping. My only comfort was the knowing that one of the many people in the room buzzing around was my midwife who happened to be one of my dear friends was there in the OR with me, and I trusted her.

A few short days later we brought our son home, feeling very blessed that he was healthy, but in the back of my mind I felt ripped off, because I had been k.o.'s out during his birth, that I was not the first set of eyes he saw, that his father was in another room scared and alone, that we were not together and present as a family for his birth. Guilty because I had taken the post surgery morphine, because his mommy couldn't hold his head up to her breast to nurse him for the first time.

Now, 3 days overdue and after almost 2 years of searching for the "why" in all of this, here is what I have discovered. And i will put this in capitals because it is SO important to me... IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW IT ALL HAPPENED, OR WHY IT HAPPENED. We are a society that is constantly looking for an answer, a reason, an explanation, and maybe that's why we all have so many hang ups, so many insecurities. in the end it doesn't fucking matter why, in the end I gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy who is truly a blessing, and everyday he reminds me everyday to get out of my head, and just be in the moment with him and play! right now because later might be too late. he does it, so why can't I? Right

I'm going to give energy of worry and fear over to the universe and I am going to play and snuggle and nap and read that stupid truck book over and over again until he's satisfied that he knows all the names of the trucks, and then we'll move on to another book, and maybe somewhere in there I'll have another healthy baby!

40+2 days

I guess that's all I have to say for now
off to go snuggle in my bed and have a nap
buenas noches
xo J
loving my boy