Saturday, December 31, 2011

Midnight maddness and the 10 year onion peeled away

So tonight as I lay awake, I was swamped of memories of my evolution, and how I came to be a wife, a mama, How I became me. The person who I am today and the person who I love being! Places I've been in this world, and times and spaces in my life that I used to think were completely disconnected.

My ridiculous shenanigans that went on when I was in my early twenties. packing my bags and moving across the world to party, see new land and meet new people. I was such a different person then. I was trouble waiting to happen! and I loved not knowing what the next day brought me or those around me!!! I delighted in the chaos that surrounded me. I chose to let certain people into my life who were were to teach me about myself, and unfortunately those people were dangerous for my spirit because by the time I realized I'd been sucked in to this place I didn't want to be, it was a long and painful feat to pull myself out from under that blanket of fear and doubt. Would I become the person I knew I had in me, the person I wanted to be, or even could I?

I found myself living alone for the very first time, and that was so terrifying. I always had someone to create chaos with, someone to fight with, someone to take care of me so I didn't have to grow up and take care of my own shit. What the hell was I to do with myself??? So I started random projects to occupy my time. I think that was the Christmas that I sewed PJ pants without a pattern until I got them right and gave them to my sister for Christmas. Then I picked up a paint brush for the first time in my life and put color to canvas. Hours upon hours, all night events of chillin' in my undies, drinking coffee, listening to Blondie, dancing like a maniac, and laying drop upon drop of paint into this tree I now call my life tree. As though I was adding a layer of protection for myself with each tiny dot.

I started regarding my life as a garden that needed to be taken care of, and once in a while, weeding out the bad. When I finally decided to allow new people in my life, I had some very bad misses. Bad dates, and a few crazies that were energy suckers, so I had to pluck them out to make room for better things to grow. Also there were a couple of great people who were my biggest cheer leaders, old friends and new. They gave me shelter while I licked my wounds, picked myself up, and dusted myself off.

And then there was this man.

I had been working so hard to peel off the layers of bullshit, and he was already there. One big difference between him and I was that to get to the heart of who I am was a complicated maze. He went through life taking his lumps, learning his lesson, and moving on, taking care of his shit as it came, and making his own happiness. Now why was that so hard for me to do? probably because I'm a woman and we tend to make things harder that they have to be, actually I KNOW that I make things harder than they have to be. I knew that if I wanted to be with this man, I had to drop the drama. He was and still is, uncomplicated in the best kind of way. He says what he means, does what he says, he believes in kindness and karma, and has the most contagious laugh... so I peeled the drama off my back and there I was, stark naked, nothing to hide behind, and nowhere to go but to stand up tall, and just be me. Liberation! I thought it would be so difficult to drop the drama, but it has been the easiest thing! the first thing that has been simple and un-complicated for me, and I really love just being, and not pretending.

So when we decided to embark on the journey of parenthood, we knew that life would forever be different. People say that you're never totally prepared for parent hood, and those people are right! It's scary and exciting and terrifying and heart wrenching, and joyful and amazing all wrapped up in one. I know realize that it is all those layers that I have peeled back that made this journey of parenthood possible for me, and without the journey, and learning what I did about myself, I would not survive this new gig called parenthood. My son challenges my patience and strength in will power every day. He makes me cry tears of joy and laugh uncontrollably. He is my heart. For the first time last night, at 4am, I was awoken to this big kick, or an elbow, and it's starting to feel real, I'm having another baby. we are to be the parents of TWO kids!!! I am SO thank-ful that my journey has brought me to this place, and that I am more ME than ever, or I'd loose myself in motherhood, and just be someone's mama, and not ME!

I'm so blessed, so thankful, and SO excited to complete this family of mine!

So those are the ramblings of a crazy sleep deprived mama at 4am, hope I didn't bore you!

Oh, and here's a new photo to satisfy all the belly lovers!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Silly boys

He Loves to laugh, and the louder the better! Sometimes I think he's mocking me but none the less, he is so darn cute!