Thursday, May 15, 2014

So it's been a LONG time since I've made an entry. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but it's more likely that I've been busy and had a million things on my mind, too busy trying to "Keep Calm, carry on".
I think I'm done keeping calm, and carrying on. I feel like a fraud when I do. I am not a calm person, so here I am going to crack it wide open and say all the shit I really want to say but am too afraid to say. I know this is a public place to do so, but I don't even know how many people read this, so... FUCK it, here I go.

I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, and quite possibly going thru a bout of depression due to stress.

Jacob is almost 4, and I've heard it's a difficult age, but really, he's been difficult for a while. his temper tantrums have become really difficult to manage. His Kindy dropped a bomb on us, then retreated and have been useless, and lazy excuse for educators. They boast a wonderful experience for children, family and community, but I have yet to have experienced that all. They say there is something worn, and we need to take action, but yet they can't even do a daily communication book for us? Really, then what are you really doing to make this a wonderful experience for him? so far it's been stressful for him, Ryan and I, and his "educators". Raise my white flag, I surrender, I don't know what to do (other than yell at them for completely dropping the ball). In all honesty, I'm probably most mad at myself because I moved him from somewhere he loved to this crappy place, because it's cheaper. We need help, anyone?

My baby just turned two, and not that I regret my decision to have my tubes tied, BECAUSE I DON'T, but he's my last baby, and he's given up his bottle, he no longer loves to sit and cuddle me, and his new favourite word is "NO!" My last baby, and he's not a baby anymore, and it makes me sad and scared. They're only so sweet for a short period of time, and then it's over.

I wasn't prepared for this!

I know this journey of parenthood didn't just start last week, and I shouldn't be afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing all the time, I feel like a newbie all over again. Every day they break my heart wide open, and make me fall in love with them, and then they turn on me, and make me cry, then act all cute again. It's a long day when  you want so badly to be angry with them, and then they run up to me, and hold my face with their grubby little hands, grin, and plant a booger infused kiss on my lips,  and then I feel bad for being so pissed at them.

This parent gig is hard


I try so hard to be a positive person, I'm supposed to be some peaceful yogini, meditating earth mama, but really I'm splitting at the seams, I haven't cleaned a toilet in MONTHS! (gross I know), the laundry pile keeps getting bigger, and i have to kick it in the laundry room and close the door because I just don't give a shit right now. I'm sad, and really what do I have to be sad about???
I am married to my best friend who tries SO hard to understand my mood swings, bless him and his patience for me. I have two healthy boys, yes they're difficult but I swear my heart tries to burst out of my chest when I see them playing and giggling together. I live in Beautiful Australia, close to beautiful beaches. My life is blessed.

"Why is she so afraid of?" you ask yourself

There are people really struggling to put a roof over their heads, to feed their children, struggling with sick children, or struggling with their own illness, it could me much worse. I am so blessed, and I'm so afraid that one day it will all be gone.

How much love, happiness, joy can one girl have? What happens when my wishing well runs dry? That is what makes me afraid for what's next. What if we're only allowed x amount of happiness, what then? Selling our home in Canada makes everything seem so much less certain. It's a big wide world out there, we could land anywhere, it's exciting and it's scary. How am I ever going to keep it all together, it's just too much for me to take in right now.

This is too heavy for me to carry right now so this is me writing it down, folding up a proverbial paper airplane,  and flying it out to the cyber universe, I'm going to try to let the universe take care of it.

tears wiped away, snot bubbles in the tissue, I'm off to watch a movie with my boys on the couch

Peace out