Keep in mind that the last time I jogged it was a painful activity in purging the shit I'd be stuffing for years. Now I'm jogging and I am fighting back the tears. Tears because I feel guilty for doing something good for me, tears because I feel like someone else when I run, tears because this feels like the beginning of yet another change in my life and I've had about enough change for a while, tears because I want to let this healthy person out of the shell who has been tucked away in a corner for far too long, but it's hard to let go of old habbits and beliefs about yourself, but mostly, tears because I feel free. I put on my grams' socks and lace up my shoes, plug in my ear buds press play and I'm off. The glorious wind in my face that almost reminds me of being on the motorcycle, like I'm flying, like I can go anywhere I want, but I am the engine powering this ride. Fuck saddlebags I'm not bringing baggage on this ride!
Now typically I'm not the hugest Rihanna fan, but her song comes on "where have you been all my life, cause I never see you around, are hiding from me, somewhere in the croud" My interpretation is this: we are all looking for someone, something to please us, treat us right, make us feel good about ourselves. Well if the answer to that isn't ME, than I don't know what it is. I need to be able to be happy with me, love me in my own skin, be kind and gentle with myself, be proud of myself. If I don't love me than who will? well I know Ryan does, he loves me on my worst days, sweatpants, wild bed head and a snotty tear stained face, he loves me thru it all, but that's not the point here...
So I kept running past the tears and what I found is simply me! Jewls v5.2 A woman who just wants to be healthy so she can be a good role model for her kids, a supportive wife, and someone who just wants to love the skin she's in!
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Marianne Williamson