Thursday, February 7, 2013

letting go a thousand times over

Last Friday Jacob went to school for the first time. Well it's not "school" per say it's pre-kindy but Jacob calls it school I KNOW HE'S WAY TOO YOUNG FOR SCHOOL RIGHT? FAWK! tear number one, man this makes me weepy, let's see how many times I cry writing this! 
I do a lot of thinking when I'm up at night, nursing my baby, rubbing a sick boy's back, singing him a lullaby, getting a glass of water, and of course going wee for the umpteenth time GAWD I hate this post baby bladder!
Anyway, back to thinking... thinking about what this is all about, this gig called "mama" I often wonder why us mama's have a little tear of when your baby makes a milestone. Yesterday Levi really waved at me, not random coincidence, but he looked at me with a HUGE grin, I said "Hi buddy!" and he waved! and I couldn't stop HA more tears... OK, that's two.
Every little milestone, from the first time I let someone feed them a bottle, to sitting up, walking, talking talking back! Learning new things, figuring out that mama is the only one in the house that doesn't have a penis! (which by the way I get questioned about every time he catches me in the shower or getting dressed, getting annoying!) I get all weepy. It's this overwhelming wave of pride. Ryan and I created these boys! my body grew this? still find myself a little baffled as to how that happened, but then I have this little moment of sorrow. This moment is one step closer to my baby growing up and not needing me, 1 more thing he can do for himself, he doesn't need me to ... insert new milestone....for him anymore. I have had this moment a thousand times over with Jacob, and it had begun with Levi, but this "school" thing is different 

all ready with his pack pack
It's big for my boy's independence, for his self confidence and for my sanity! a small side note, grocery shopping with one little monkey that doesn't talk back and  doesn't "mama I NEED dis candy...dis coloring book...dis cookies"  along the way is AWESOME!
it's also big because I have to let him go out in the world, let go of the belief that I am the only one that can get him to nap nicely, he napped 2 hrs on his first day! clearly I'm wrong. I have to trust someone else to look out for him, teach new things that unfortunately he won't learn from me right now because we both need a time out from eachother.

So the proof is in the pudding right? he came home from school the first time and just wanted to hug Levi, bring him toys, and told me, "mama I luff mine Levi!" is that sweet or what! Friday after we got home from school he opened his "pack pack" and gave me 2 paintings "look mama, I paint! dis for you" I get all teary eyed and he says "it's OK mama, I a big boy"

Yes you are!

"I want a pack pack too!"
All in all it's a few tears shed, confidence gained, and one beaming proud mama and daddy