Sunday, January 13, 2013

better days

snuggled up with his long lost pal boog
Well it's 2013! If you would have asked me a year ago where I would be in the next year, never in a million years would I have guessed I would be here!

So we moved into our new home, and our sea freight FINALLY arrived! It feels like forever ago we watched the packers roll in and pack up my life and left my home empty and a little sad looking. But finally it's all here, my bed, our couch and chair, Levi's crib and the soft bumper pads that keep his little melon from rolling into the bed frame, Jacob's HUGE Boog  and all his favorite books. all our favorite comforts of home. we are basically unpacked, just a few boxes under the house, garage stuff. This has been a long journey from home in Calgary to home in Brisbane.

I was so worried about Jake and how he would adjust, what life would be like for him, how he would handle this move, and he's been a real trooper. He's gone with the flow, adjusted to where ever we lay a mattress on the floor for him to sleep. I'm so proud of him, but I'm also worried about him.

precursor, I do realize... he is two.
I've been watching him in social situations, and for the most part he's aggressive, loud, in their faces with his scary grumpy voice. he's hitting, pushing kids over, not sharing, taking toys away from kids, picking on the little ones. This is not only mortifying for me to watch, and try to discipline him thru, but it's embarrassing. I've read over and over that our kids will re-live our worst parenting moments for us to see. I am so embarrassed to admit but the grumpy yelling that he does, I will take responsibility for.I have lost my patience with him on many occasions over the last 3 months where the scary mommy shriek comes out, and then I hear myself. and the look on his little face is so sad. FUCK
I don't want to make him feel small. I hope these aren't the memories he will have of his childhood. I want him to remember the times we make forts and he "cooks me" suppers and I gobble it all up, or when we have picnics in the park, snuggle time at bed time and how I tickle his back to calm him down, all the boo boos I've kissed away.

Here it is...
I'm not the perfect mama.
No mother is perfect. to be human is to error. part of being human is seeing the lesson, and learning from it, doing better next time. This "mama" gig is a tough job is ever changing, constantly challenging me, it's a difficult job, but if it was easy, it probably wouldn't be so rewarding when he is having an amazing moment and the happy sweet boy that I know is in there comes out. Watching my kid kiss someone's ouchie better and asking " are you ok?" or "thanks for sharing buddy" are some of my proudest moments as a mama.

Sometimes I need a reminder that I don't have to be perfect, I just need  to do better than the last time. Learn from my mistakes move onto better days

So that's where we're at. moving onto better days, growing, learning, and hopefully a whole lot of fun along the way!