Tuesday, April 10, 2012

getting closer

so as of today I am 36 weeks pregnant... that is crazy and so scary, time flys too fast. It's funny how my perspective this pregnancy has changed drastically from the first.

In my pregnancy with Jacob I was begging for him to come early, I had waited many long years to be a mother, and I was on the cusp of having that dream come true and I didn't want to wait. after 36 weeks I told him "any time now little boy, any time" oh how my tune has changed.

 I don't like the rate at which I have grown, the difference in speed that my son can run vs how fast I can respond to those running legs, and how our due date of May 4th has quickly approached.
Only 4 weeks left.
Only 4 more weeks of restful un-interrupted sleep, 4 more weeks of consistency for my boy,  4 more weeks to devote to showing Jake that he is and always will be my boy, my heart, my sunshine, my most proudest accomplishment to date. That in itself seems like a daunting task.

On top of all that I have a baby room to set up and decorate so that this new addition feels like it has it's own place on our home, that he or she belongs. I have curtains to sew, a few small paintings to paint, some pictures to put up, and figure out a place for he or she to sleep, Jake has not shown me that he's ready to give up his crib. As a matter of fact, he LOVES his crib. I'm afraid to change things for him, afraid to ruin his awesome sleeping, afraid to make him grow up too fast, and I think it's a small case of me being too cheap to buy another crib.
Am I being cheap?

Anyway, this ticking time bomb keeps ticking and I wonder "how will I survive this feeling of "I'm cheating on my kid with a new baby" How will I love someone else as much as I love him? How does any mother survive this?" and then I remember that I am human, we adapt and change as needed, and I know that my heart has a great capacity for love, I will make room, that's how I will survive, just do it!


Anyway, that is one side of the coin of my feelings, now the other side isn't so nice. I'm just going to put it out there that I am pregnant, hormonal, and I felt the same way in my first pregnancy, and I got over it, but it's my blog so dammit I'm gonna unload a little, so if you don't want to hear it... adios amigos, here is your cue to log off... you've been warned

So people piss me off. All kinds of people. My family members, friends, random strangers in line in front of me at the Starbucks drive thru. Don't they know I'm in a rush? make up your mind! If I didn't have a toddler and this large watermelon I'm heaving in and out of the car, I'd just go in but it's too much work at this point so make up your damn mind! and really that's the jest of my rant here. People are SO wishy washy about so many things that they shouldn't.

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