letting go a thousand times over

Last Friday Jacob went to school for the first time. Well it's not "school" per say it's pre-kindy but Jacob calls it school I KNOW HE'S WAY TOO YOUNG FOR SCHOOL RIGHT? FAWK! tear number one, man this makes me weepy, let's see how many times I cry writing this! 

I do a lot of thinking when I'm up at night, nursing my baby, rubbing a sick boy's back, singing him a lullaby, getting a glass of water, and of course going wee for the umpteenth time GAWD I hate this post baby bladder!

Anyway, back to thinking... thinking about what this is all about, this gig called "mama" I often wonder why us mama's have a little tear of when your baby makes a milestone. Yesterday Levi really waved at me, not random coincidence, but he looked at me with a HUGE grin, I said "Hi buddy!" and he waved! and I couldn't stop HA more tears... OK, that's two.

Every little milestone, from the first time I let someone feed them a bottle, to sitting up, walking, talking talking back! Learning new things, figuring out that mama is the only one in the house that doesn't have a penis! (which by the way I get questioned about every time he catches me in the shower or getting dressed, getting annoying!) I get all weepy. It's this overwhelming wave of pride. Ryan and I created these boys! my body grew this? still find myself a little baffled as to how that happened, but then I have this little moment of sorrow. This moment is one step closer to my baby growing up and not needing me, 1 more thing he can do for himself, he doesn't need me to ... insert new milestone....for him anymore. I have had this moment a thousand times over with Jacob, and it had begun with Levi, but this "school" thing is different 

all ready with his pack pack

It's big for my boy's independence, for his self confidence and for my sanity! a small side note, grocery shopping with one little monkey that doesn't talk back and  doesn't "mama I NEED dis candy...dis coloring book...dis cookies"  along the way is AWESOME!

it's also big because I have to let him go out in the world, let go of the belief that I am the only one that can get him to nap nicely, he napped 2 hrs on his first day! clearly I'm wrong. I have to trust someone else to look out for him, teach new things that unfortunately he won't learn from me right now because we both need a time out from eachother.

So the proof is in the pudding right? he came home from school the first time and just wanted to hug Levi, bring him toys, and told me, "mama I luff mine Levi!" is that sweet or what! Friday after we got home from school he opened his "pack pack" and gave me 2 paintings "look mama, I paint! dis for you" I get all teary eyed and he says "it's OK mama, I a big boy"

Yes you are!

"I want a pack pack too!"

All in all it's a few tears shed, confidence gained, and one beaming proud mama and daddy

better days

snuggled up with his long lost pal boog

Well it's 2013! If you would have asked me a year ago where I would be in the next year, never in a million years would I have guessed I would be here!

So we moved into our new home, and our sea freight FINALLY arrived! It feels like forever ago we watched the packers roll in and pack up my life and left my home empty and a little sad looking. But finally it's all here, my bed, our couch and chair, Levi's crib and the soft bumper pads that keep his little melon from rolling into the bed frame, Jacob's HUGE Boog  and all his favorite books. all our favorite comforts of home. we are basically unpacked, just a few boxes under the house, garage stuff. This has been a long journey from home in Calgary to home in Brisbane.

I was so worried about Jake and how he would adjust, what life would be like for him, how he would handle this move, and he's been a real trooper. He's gone with the flow, adjusted to where ever we lay a mattress on the floor for him to sleep. I'm so proud of him, but I'm also worried about him.

precursor, I do realize... he is two.
I've been watching him in social situations, and for the most part he's aggressive, loud, in their faces with his scary grumpy voice. he's hitting, pushing kids over, not sharing, taking toys away from kids, picking on the little ones. This is not only mortifying for me to watch, and try to discipline him thru, but it's embarrassing. I've read over and over that our kids will re-live our worst parenting moments for us to see. I am so embarrassed to admit but the grumpy yelling that he does, I will take responsibility for.I have lost my patience with him on many occasions over the last 3 months where the scary mommy shriek comes out, and then I hear myself. and the look on his little face is so sad. FUCK
I don't want to make him feel small. I hope these aren't the memories he will have of his childhood. I want him to remember the times we make forts and he "cooks me" suppers and I gobble it all up, or when we have picnics in the park, snuggle time at bed time and how I tickle his back to calm him down, all the boo boos I've kissed away.

Here it is...
I'm not the perfect mama.
No mother is perfect. to be human is to error. part of being human is seeing the lesson, and learning from it, doing better next time. This "mama" gig is a tough job is ever changing, constantly challenging me, it's a difficult job, but if it was easy, it probably wouldn't be so rewarding when he is having an amazing moment and the happy sweet boy that I know is in there comes out. Watching my kid kiss someone's ouchie better and asking " are you ok?" or "thanks for sharing buddy" are some of my proudest moments as a mama.

Sometimes I need a reminder that I don't have to be perfect, I just need  to do better than the last time. Learn from my mistakes move onto better days

So that's where we're at. moving onto better days, growing, learning, and hopefully a whole lot of fun along the way!

They're everywhere

Before you read ahead, be warned, it's not all roses, unicorns and sunshine today, I wouldn't say blue, but maybe melancholy and nostalgic...

So, for those of you who don't know, I live here in Queensland in 2001. I met a woman named Kimberly Birchley who I affectionately called my Aussie mama. Sadly she passed in 2006 after a lifelong struggle with hepatitis, she was only 43. it has been 6 years since she passed, and it feels like forever ago, but being so close to where we met, where she lived and died, it also feels like just yesterday, a fresh wound with a dash of distance salt. Now that I am living here, she's everywhere. The whiff of cigarettes and sweet smelling perfume, behind the wheel of every ridiculously oversized Land Cruiser with the windows open and tunes blaring. I can hear her deep velvet voice whispering in my ear " I'm with you"
Then there is my sweet grams, who's passing in only 6 weeks ago, still fresh and I miss her. There is something about the smell of fresh rain and church bells ringing that remind me of being a little girl twirling as fast as I can in her living room while listening to her play "the entertainer" on the piano. She follows me around in every smiling wrinkly face, the smell of a brewing cup of black tea with milk. I had a cup of tea in her memory while I strolled thru the grocery store, I can almost feel her warmth with every sip
mmmmmm comfort.

Shelly beach, Caloundra will always be our first!

Well folks, we've been here for 5 full days. Our days have been filled with getting oriented, grocery shopping, setting up bank accounts, , getting driver's licences, house hunting, learning how to drive on the WRONG side of the road, adjusting to the time change. It's been a little confusing at times, frustrating and exhausting, but today we did the best kind of first. The kind of first that we will forever be burned into my memory.

We arrived on the beach and walked thru 200 metres of soft golden sand to a lagoon that was filled in the morning during high tide, and by 3:30 it was perfect for playing in! Jake was terrified! First he got some wet sand stuck to the scrape on his knee, so he wiped away with his hand, then he rubbed his eyes and the squealing began. After Ryan got him sand free and calm, he convinced him to go see the ocean, and here is where my moment happened.

I was trailing behind, with the baby so when I came up and over the sand bank, I saw my son running away from an upcoming wave, screeching with sheer joy, and my husband standing in the ocean watching and laughing at our boy. I thought to myself, "we're not on holidays, we're home!"

We're driving home now and I can still feel the salty sticky ocean air on my face

Life is so good, and it just keeps getting better

Just a side note, Currently do not have a phone to snap quick shots, so I've actually been using my awesome SLR but... I don't get my computer to upload all my photos until mid December, so hang tight peeps, a TON are photos are still to come!

Much love to you my friends and family

Holmes
Over and out

My grannie Annie

So today I want to tell you about my Grams.
Anne Tully Montgomery. Born December 9, 1925, in Banff Alberta. A mountain girl through and through. She grew up next to St George in the Pines church where her daddy was minister, and got to meet all sorts of visitors from all over the world who came to visit the small picture-esk town. Growing up my grams played classical piano, and enjoyed school and cross country skiing. I've seen many photos of my grams and her sissy layered in 4 or 5 stockings under their skirt and a long petty coat, strapped to a pair of x-counrty skis, she never wore 'slacks' until she was in her 30's I think, even in -40 degrees, she was one tough girl. She lived through the war, meeting military from all over the world, even had a fairytale love with a man from Australia, who tragically died in a plane crash. Luckily for me she went on to meet my grandfather, and have 6 children, 15 grand children and 9 great grand children. My grams was a firm believer that you divorce people, and not family, so when my aunt and my mama went through a divorce, the x-es continued calling her mum as she insisted and she still loved them like her own. She even took Joy under her warm welcoming wing, and she was the child of grandpa's second wife. We learned by example to be grateful for the small things, to be inclusive, to be generous with our hearts, to never take yourself too serious, and to forgive quickly because life is just too short to be angry at someone else.

My Grams decided two weeks ago that she was done so she stuck around just long enough for the family to show up say there good-byes and we sent her off knowing that she was loved. It is so typical of my Grams that once she decided she was going to do something, she did it, and did it well. She lived her life like that, and she died that way, all her ducks in a row, funeral already bought and paid for, quick, no mess, just done. Even in death she is giving by donating her body.

Grams died early Wednesday morning after a few weeks of intense pain and finally organ failure took her in the end. As sad as I am to see her pass, I'm relieved that she isn't in pain anymore, and that she can finally be at peace.

Until the last 2 weeks she was so alert, kicking my ass at cribbage, cracking jokes, bragging about all her great grand babies and making everyone smile.

I can't believe she's gone

different samesies...

Late last night as I sit in the rocking chair nursing my dreamy baby, I realized that yes it may be some un godly hour, but it's quiet and peaceful, and it gives me time to think about things that I otherwise don't have time to think about.
Like the fact that I came home from Australia 11 years ago this month. I always had a fleeting thought in the back of my head that I shouldn't have come home, I really loved it there but 9/11 was still fresh in everyone's mind and I wanted to be with my family, I was so home sick. This time heading Down under I won't be alone, I'm bringing my beautiful family with me. My best friend and our 2 sweet boys, going on the "adventure of our lives" people keep calling it, but I find that strange, it's our life, I will still be changing bums, bribing the big boy to pee in the potty, grocery shopping, cooking meals, tidying up behind hurricane Jacob, perpetually rotating laundry, kissing boo boos, reading books, kissing my sweet husband goodnight, doing the midnight dream feed, and waking up the next morning to do it all again. It may sound boring to some people but I love my life! I'm only moving this lovely little life of mine to a hot and sunny place that has big hairy spiders, funny accents and beaches. so yes its different, yes it's an adventure, but it'll still be the same. not the same same, but different same. Am I making any sense? or am I just a sleep deprived mama bear?

Anyway, here are a few pictures I got back from the photographer, AAAAHHHHHHHhhhh so stinking cute!
little back story, I wanted to have pictures of my family and the Houle family. They are some of our very favorite people in the world, Jake and Quinn LOVE eachother, and I wanted to have that captured, and did Deanna ever capture that love between them! I'm going to miss them watching them grow up together :(

The next big Adventure!

well, as you may have heard, we're moving!!!
Here's the short and skinny of it, WAY back in June Ryan was at the Oil & Gas trade show and there was a recruiting booth for an Aussie gas company called Santos, he got to chatting with the recruiter who did his job and convinced that moving to Australia was a good idea. So he came home and asked what I thought. I had spent some time vacationing/working in Australia when I was 21 and LOVED it, I didn't need any convincing so on October 13, Ryan and I will be loading the boys up on a plane to Brisbane to our temporary home until we find a more permanent one.

Since the day Ryan accepted the position we have been purging, selling, organizing and spending quality time with family and close friends. People keep asking how we are doing, and up until now I've been doing well. Everyday sorting a little, organizing something, getting a few questions answered, making a new memory with our friends in hopes that our boys remember where they come from, remember the people who love them and are waiting for them back home. Now is when I think the anxiety sets in that I'm moving, really far away, and I HAVE TO GET IT DONE!

I have to have everything ready to go, I have to get everything that isn't coming out of the house. There are no "one last trip to throw out the rest" or one last trip to the goodwill donation centre, so if anyone out there wants to come over, lend a hand or some arms for a babe to snuggle so I can do it, come on over! I pay in rum, vodka, tequila, you know the liquor cabinet left overs, condiments from the fridge, frozen leftovers from the deep freeze and tea n cookies!

Wish me luck folks, domestic organization and moving fast are not my forte!