letting go...

So it has occurred to me that maybe writing down my fears may help me sort them out, so here we go.

How I had planned and envisioned Jacob's birth vs. how it actually went was very different. I had hoped for a peaceful home birth in my tub but I ended up with an emergency C-Section, I was knocked out, and Ryan was put in a tiny room with a window to watch through the tiny spaces between the blinds. I was scared. Scared because it all happened so fast, scared because I didn't understand why it had happened, and scared because my last memory before they knocked me out was that my son's heart rate was rapidly dropping. My only comfort was the knowing that one of the many people in the room buzzing around was my midwife who happened to be one of my dear friends was there in the OR with me, and I trusted her.

A few short days later we brought our son home, feeling very blessed that he was healthy, but in the back of my mind I felt ripped off, because I had been k.o.'s out during his birth, that I was not the first set of eyes he saw, that his father was in another room scared and alone, that we were not together and present as a family for his birth. Guilty because I had taken the post surgery morphine, because his mommy couldn't hold his head up to her breast to nurse him for the first time.

Now, 3 days overdue and after almost 2 years of searching for the "why" in all of this, here is what I have discovered. And i will put this in capitals because it is SO important to me... IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW IT ALL HAPPENED, OR WHY IT HAPPENED. We are a society that is constantly looking for an answer, a reason, an explanation, and maybe that's why we all have so many hang ups, so many insecurities. in the end it doesn't fucking matter why, in the end I gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy who is truly a blessing, and everyday he reminds me everyday to get out of my head, and just be in the moment with him and play! right now because later might be too late. he does it, so why can't I? Right

I'm going to give energy of worry and fear over to the universe and I am going to play and snuggle and nap and read that stupid truck book over and over again until he's satisfied that he knows all the names of the trucks, and then we'll move on to another book, and maybe somewhere in there I'll have another healthy baby!


40+2 days

I guess that's all I have to say for now
off to go snuggle in my bed and have a nap
buenas noches
xo J

loving my boy

The Final Countdown

It is April 29th, which leaves T minus 5 sleeps until my due date, but remember that Jake was 9 days overdue so 14 more sleeps??? so really? when do you start the count down? you never know, could be today, count be in 7 more, the unknown.... This is the Karmic debt I pay for sneaking around, pre-opening Christmas gifts and then re-wrapping them. this is the kind of gift you can't pre-open, just for one tiny peek, and then put it back. Oh the anticipation!

From my last entry to now, I think I'm better prepared for what's coming. But really, your never really prepared for how a tiny baby changes your life, but I have finally started nesting, that's a good sign I suppose! I have been driving myself bonkers trying to sew these curtains for the baby's room, and then I realized I had enough fabric to make some for Jake's room, and now that I'm SOOOO close to being done, I realize that they are too short! so yesterday I waddled out to Fabricland to pick up some more fabric to add a plain panel at the bottom. My poor little sausage toes, I don't the could get any fatter!, walking around a mall, and then sitting at this bar height table the chair hits my legs at the perfect pressure point and cuts the circulation off and thus... the purple piggies! That and my obsession with McDonald's soft serve ice cream! can't get enough! Speaking of which, my wonderful husband just walked in with some soft serve, and... the necessary items for his nesting! He has been installing shelving in the basement closets, cleaning out the garage, putting things back into the basement storage spaces, making numerous trips to Rona because he got the wrong size of shelf, or he forgot something small. we're focused and driven to get these things done, yet distracted and forgetting small details. Even Jake is nesting in his own way. Trying to assert control when ever and where ever he can. When he naps, or doesn't nap, when he eats, what he eats, and whether he wears clothes outside, every response seems to be "no no no" As strange as it sounds, I'm glad I have so many distractions to keep me from watching the clock and agonizing over every day that passes without going into labour. I'm thankful for every day that passes. Another day to devote to my little man, more un-inturrupted snuggles with the boy, another good night's sleep, another day to eat guilt free soft serve!
what's a few more days? I'll take em'!

getting closer

so as of today I am 36 weeks pregnant... that is crazy and so scary, time flys too fast. It's funny how my perspective this pregnancy has changed drastically from the first.

In my pregnancy with Jacob I was begging for him to come early, I had waited many long years to be a mother, and I was on the cusp of having that dream come true and I didn't want to wait. after 36 weeks I told him "any time now little boy, any time" oh how my tune has changed.

 I don't like the rate at which I have grown, the difference in speed that my son can run vs how fast I can respond to those running legs, and how our due date of May 4th has quickly approached.
Only 4 weeks left.
Only 4 more weeks of restful un-interrupted sleep, 4 more weeks of consistency for my boy,  4 more weeks to devote to showing Jake that he is and always will be my boy, my heart, my sunshine, my most proudest accomplishment to date. That in itself seems like a daunting task.

On top of all that I have a baby room to set up and decorate so that this new addition feels like it has it's own place on our home, that he or she belongs. I have curtains to sew, a few small paintings to paint, some pictures to put up, and figure out a place for he or she to sleep, Jake has not shown me that he's ready to give up his crib. As a matter of fact, he LOVES his crib. I'm afraid to change things for him, afraid to ruin his awesome sleeping, afraid to make him grow up too fast, and I think it's a small case of me being too cheap to buy another crib.
Am I being cheap?

Anyway, this ticking time bomb keeps ticking and I wonder "how will I survive this feeling of "I'm cheating on my kid with a new baby" How will I love someone else as much as I love him? How does any mother survive this?" and then I remember that I am human, we adapt and change as needed, and I know that my heart has a great capacity for love, I will make room, that's how I will survive, just do it!

Anyway, that is one side of the coin of my feelings, now the other side isn't so nice. I'm just going to put it out there that I am pregnant, hormonal, and I felt the same way in my first pregnancy, and I got over it, but it's my blog so dammit I'm gonna unload a little, so if you don't want to hear it... adios amigos, here is your cue to log off... you've been warned

So people piss me off. All kinds of people. My family members, friends, random strangers in line in front of me at the Starbucks drive thru. Don't they know I'm in a rush? make up your mind! If I didn't have a toddler and this large watermelon I'm heaving in and out of the car, I'd just go in but it's too much work at this point so make up your damn mind! and really that's the jest of my rant here. People are SO wishy washy about so many things that they shouldn't.

3rd trimester

so time flys when your chasing a toddler and growing a squirmy gremlin! WOW I'm into my 3rd trimester already!!! I wish time would slow down a bit, I feel like I'm missing it being so pre-occupied with this little boy I call my hurricane.

Did I tell you all that I had a dream.....
yes one of those dreams where I had the baby, they were wiping the baby off on my belly and I yelped
"WHAT IS IT???"
one set of arms lifted the tiny babe and two other arms spread the legs and I giggled
"OH!!!! Girl parts!"

So we'll have to wait and see! Poor Grandma Eleanor in begging and pleading for a girl, she called very early on in the pregnancy and put her request in, as she did the first pregnancy
"I don't want to put any pressure on you Jewls, you know I'll love any baby that is a Holmes, but if you could... I'd LOVE a baby girl!" we'll have to see if Grandma gets her wish!
Anyone want to start a baby pool??? any Holmies out there?
So here is a belly update, 28 weeks and growing!

All our Love
R+J Squared
and Cookie too!

Hairy interruption

So I'm having a lovely date with my some smooth chocolate ice-cream, the dreamy vocals of city and color in my soaker tub. Soaking up the peace until the water cools so I get out and start lotioning my body with some yummy cocoa butter when .... OMFG I have a hairy lower back!!! Yes that's right, soft fuzzy hair ON MY BACK!
Damn pregnancy hormones, I swear it wasn't there before

Cookie

I'm still surprised when I wake up and try to swiftly sit up and realize I'm smuggling a watermelon! I still have moments of grumpy confusion when I think that Ryan has shrunk my shirt, and then it hits me, I'm pregnant!

An outie at 26 weeks!

January fun