different samesies...

Late last night as I sit in the rocking chair nursing my dreamy baby, I realized that yes it may be some un godly hour, but it's quiet and peaceful, and it gives me time to think about things that I otherwise don't have time to think about.
Like the fact that I came home from Australia 11 years ago this month. I always had a fleeting thought in the back of my head that I shouldn't have come home, I really loved it there but 9/11 was still fresh in everyone's mind and I wanted to be with my family, I was so home sick. This time heading Down under I won't be alone, I'm bringing my beautiful family with me. My best friend and our 2 sweet boys, going on the "adventure of our lives" people keep calling it, but I find that strange, it's our life, I will still be changing bums, bribing the big boy to pee in the potty, grocery shopping, cooking meals, tidying up behind hurricane Jacob, perpetually rotating laundry, kissing boo boos, reading books, kissing my sweet husband goodnight, doing the midnight dream feed, and waking up the next morning to do it all again. It may sound boring to some people but I love my life! I'm only moving this lovely little life of mine to a hot and sunny place that has big hairy spiders, funny accents and beaches. so yes its different, yes it's an adventure, but it'll still be the same. not the same same, but different same. Am I making any sense? or am I just a sleep deprived mama bear?

Anyway, here are a few pictures I got back from the photographer, AAAAHHHHHHHhhhh so stinking cute!
little back story, I wanted to have pictures of my family and the Houle family. They are some of our very favorite people in the world, Jake and Quinn LOVE eachother, and I wanted to have that captured, and did Deanna ever capture that love between them! I'm going to miss them watching them grow up together :(

The next big Adventure!

well, as you may have heard, we're moving!!!
Here's the short and skinny of it, WAY back in June Ryan was at the Oil & Gas trade show and there was a recruiting booth for an Aussie gas company called Santos, he got to chatting with the recruiter who did his job and convinced that moving to Australia was a good idea. So he came home and asked what I thought. I had spent some time vacationing/working in Australia when I was 21 and LOVED it, I didn't need any convincing so on October 13, Ryan and I will be loading the boys up on a plane to Brisbane to our temporary home until we find a more permanent one.

Since the day Ryan accepted the position we have been purging, selling, organizing and spending quality time with family and close friends. People keep asking how we are doing, and up until now I've been doing well. Everyday sorting a little, organizing something, getting a few questions answered, making a new memory with our friends in hopes that our boys remember where they come from, remember the people who love them and are waiting for them back home. Now is when I think the anxiety sets in that I'm moving, really far away, and I HAVE TO GET IT DONE!

I have to have everything ready to go, I have to get everything that isn't coming out of the house. There are no "one last trip to throw out the rest" or one last trip to the goodwill donation centre, so if anyone out there wants to come over, lend a hand or some arms for a babe to snuggle so I can do it, come on over! I pay in rum, vodka, tequila, you know the liquor cabinet left overs, condiments from the fridge, frozen leftovers from the deep freeze and tea n cookies!

Wish me luck folks, domestic organization and moving fast are not my forte!

BC Vacation

It's been an action packed summer so far! Off to Kellwna for holidays!!! And then we all got sick ;( even baby. Bronchitis, so we cut the trip short, came home and got healthy. Longing for some hot BC weather and some family time we decided to go back. We spent 4 nights camping in canyon hot springs with Ryan's grandma n grandpa

Then we were off to the farm for some more family fun. Spent a day at the lake on the boat, went to Uncle Bob's Dairy farm and Jake got to see real live cows! he was stunned, I think maybe a bit shocked at how huge they are, he barely spoke a word which is RARE folks, this boy chats a mile a minute. He also got to drive his dream vehicle... a TRACTOR. We had an awesome morning with Aunty Dawn that included water balloons, BIG bubbles and a soaking wet boy who napped for 3 hrs afterwards! Jake got to meet some second cousins, gorgeous gingers who LOVED baby Levi and tried to smuggle him home. His daily chores included feeding the fish with "Gama and Gampa", hunting for kitties with his cousin Cameron, visiting the "noisy chickens", feeding the horses the fallen apples, & keeping the blueberry bush clear and free of any over ripe berries. Mama and Daddy even got to go on a date which means the boys were spoiled for the evening, movies. BC holidays were everything a 2 year old boy dreams about, but it's always nice to come home and strech out in my big ol bed, and get back to reality..... THE BIG MOVE DOWN UNDER!!!!!

Officially out numbered!

Apologies for being late, as usual! Late because this boy was 11 days overdue and late because... Well having two boys under two is BUSY! But here it is, the story of the birth of our second son! So any of you that are squeamish at the thought of fluids, uteruses and other such slimy things, maybe stop reading now! You've been warned!


So at 10 days over due team baby (Ryan, our wonderful midwife and I) had decided that we could start the rodeo, so I downed the gross whitchy concoction (verbena castor oil) and waited. Only 3 hrs later I was working thru some pretty hearty contractions! I kissed my first born goodnight and got down to business! My dear friend Christy (and midwife) came over and we three we're quiet in my room while I hummed my way thru some good contractions and napping in between, apparently even for a 30 second break, I nodded off, snoring and all! At 1am we decided to head to the hospital. Unfortunately I hadn't dilated much dispite good contractions:( after a few hrs of baby's heart rate being all over the place, muconeum in his fluid, a few different maneuvers to try to settle his heart rate and help me dilate, nothing had changed so.... We decided that rather than waiting until the baby was in distress, we would just go ahead and have another C section.
Now when we agreed to a Cesarean the first time I was devastated and terrified, this time, yes I was a little sad that I'd never have the vaginal delivery I'd always wanted, but I was relieved knowing that Ryan and I could both be present for the birth of our child.
I think it was within the hour we were in the OR and I was faced with the big blue curtain, holding my loving supportive husbands hands, he stroked my hair and kissed me when we heard our baby cry for the first time, and then... Our biggest surprise, " oh look he's peeing on you already!"
WHAT??? "HE???" no way it's a boy? We were both convinced we were going to bring home a baby girl, a Georgia Anne after my grandmother, but around the curtain came a tiny baby with big balls! It was true! another boy and the first thing the anesthesiologist said to me was "two boys! Your in big trouble!"


So Levi Erik Holmes was born.
May 15,2012
07:18am
7lbs 9oz
Cooked to perfection!

letting go...

So it has occurred to me that maybe writing down my fears may help me sort them out, so here we go.

How I had planned and envisioned Jacob's birth vs. how it actually went was very different. I had hoped for a peaceful home birth in my tub but I ended up with an emergency C-Section, I was knocked out, and Ryan was put in a tiny room with a window to watch through the tiny spaces between the blinds. I was scared. Scared because it all happened so fast, scared because I didn't understand why it had happened, and scared because my last memory before they knocked me out was that my son's heart rate was rapidly dropping. My only comfort was the knowing that one of the many people in the room buzzing around was my midwife who happened to be one of my dear friends was there in the OR with me, and I trusted her.

A few short days later we brought our son home, feeling very blessed that he was healthy, but in the back of my mind I felt ripped off, because I had been k.o.'s out during his birth, that I was not the first set of eyes he saw, that his father was in another room scared and alone, that we were not together and present as a family for his birth. Guilty because I had taken the post surgery morphine, because his mommy couldn't hold his head up to her breast to nurse him for the first time.

Now, 3 days overdue and after almost 2 years of searching for the "why" in all of this, here is what I have discovered. And i will put this in capitals because it is SO important to me... IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW IT ALL HAPPENED, OR WHY IT HAPPENED. We are a society that is constantly looking for an answer, a reason, an explanation, and maybe that's why we all have so many hang ups, so many insecurities. in the end it doesn't fucking matter why, in the end I gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy who is truly a blessing, and everyday he reminds me everyday to get out of my head, and just be in the moment with him and play! right now because later might be too late. he does it, so why can't I? Right

I'm going to give energy of worry and fear over to the universe and I am going to play and snuggle and nap and read that stupid truck book over and over again until he's satisfied that he knows all the names of the trucks, and then we'll move on to another book, and maybe somewhere in there I'll have another healthy baby!


40+2 days

I guess that's all I have to say for now
off to go snuggle in my bed and have a nap
buenas noches
xo J

loving my boy

The Final Countdown

It is April 29th, which leaves T minus 5 sleeps until my due date, but remember that Jake was 9 days overdue so 14 more sleeps??? so really? when do you start the count down? you never know, could be today, count be in 7 more, the unknown.... This is the Karmic debt I pay for sneaking around, pre-opening Christmas gifts and then re-wrapping them. this is the kind of gift you can't pre-open, just for one tiny peek, and then put it back. Oh the anticipation!

From my last entry to now, I think I'm better prepared for what's coming. But really, your never really prepared for how a tiny baby changes your life, but I have finally started nesting, that's a good sign I suppose! I have been driving myself bonkers trying to sew these curtains for the baby's room, and then I realized I had enough fabric to make some for Jake's room, and now that I'm SOOOO close to being done, I realize that they are too short! so yesterday I waddled out to Fabricland to pick up some more fabric to add a plain panel at the bottom. My poor little sausage toes, I don't the could get any fatter!, walking around a mall, and then sitting at this bar height table the chair hits my legs at the perfect pressure point and cuts the circulation off and thus... the purple piggies! That and my obsession with McDonald's soft serve ice cream! can't get enough! Speaking of which, my wonderful husband just walked in with some soft serve, and... the necessary items for his nesting! He has been installing shelving in the basement closets, cleaning out the garage, putting things back into the basement storage spaces, making numerous trips to Rona because he got the wrong size of shelf, or he forgot something small. we're focused and driven to get these things done, yet distracted and forgetting small details. Even Jake is nesting in his own way. Trying to assert control when ever and where ever he can. When he naps, or doesn't nap, when he eats, what he eats, and whether he wears clothes outside, every response seems to be "no no no" As strange as it sounds, I'm glad I have so many distractions to keep me from watching the clock and agonizing over every day that passes without going into labour. I'm thankful for every day that passes. Another day to devote to my little man, more un-inturrupted snuggles with the boy, another good night's sleep, another day to eat guilt free soft serve!
what's a few more days? I'll take em'!

getting closer

so as of today I am 36 weeks pregnant... that is crazy and so scary, time flys too fast. It's funny how my perspective this pregnancy has changed drastically from the first.

In my pregnancy with Jacob I was begging for him to come early, I had waited many long years to be a mother, and I was on the cusp of having that dream come true and I didn't want to wait. after 36 weeks I told him "any time now little boy, any time" oh how my tune has changed.

 I don't like the rate at which I have grown, the difference in speed that my son can run vs how fast I can respond to those running legs, and how our due date of May 4th has quickly approached.
Only 4 weeks left.
Only 4 more weeks of restful un-interrupted sleep, 4 more weeks of consistency for my boy,  4 more weeks to devote to showing Jake that he is and always will be my boy, my heart, my sunshine, my most proudest accomplishment to date. That in itself seems like a daunting task.

On top of all that I have a baby room to set up and decorate so that this new addition feels like it has it's own place on our home, that he or she belongs. I have curtains to sew, a few small paintings to paint, some pictures to put up, and figure out a place for he or she to sleep, Jake has not shown me that he's ready to give up his crib. As a matter of fact, he LOVES his crib. I'm afraid to change things for him, afraid to ruin his awesome sleeping, afraid to make him grow up too fast, and I think it's a small case of me being too cheap to buy another crib.
Am I being cheap?

Anyway, this ticking time bomb keeps ticking and I wonder "how will I survive this feeling of "I'm cheating on my kid with a new baby" How will I love someone else as much as I love him? How does any mother survive this?" and then I remember that I am human, we adapt and change as needed, and I know that my heart has a great capacity for love, I will make room, that's how I will survive, just do it!

Anyway, that is one side of the coin of my feelings, now the other side isn't so nice. I'm just going to put it out there that I am pregnant, hormonal, and I felt the same way in my first pregnancy, and I got over it, but it's my blog so dammit I'm gonna unload a little, so if you don't want to hear it... adios amigos, here is your cue to log off... you've been warned

So people piss me off. All kinds of people. My family members, friends, random strangers in line in front of me at the Starbucks drive thru. Don't they know I'm in a rush? make up your mind! If I didn't have a toddler and this large watermelon I'm heaving in and out of the car, I'd just go in but it's too much work at this point so make up your damn mind! and really that's the jest of my rant here. People are SO wishy washy about so many things that they shouldn't.