again, I rarely use this platform, I will however have a new blog starting soon, a little more yoga related, but it will still be alot to do with our evolution as a family, Myself as a mother, woman, & yogini.

I just wanted to share with you something I realized today. I was doing my Kryia (yoga sequence/meditation) today, and I had a BIG realization. I often beat myself up because I think "I'm not doing enough yoga" It is said that asana, postures, are ONLY 10% of what Yoga is really about. It is the science of the body and mind. It is about the evolution of humanity, it is about developing a kindness, compassion, and respect for ourselves, and the world around us. It is about personal evolution. So it occured to me, I meditate, I question things, I activley find beauty, and positivity, and even on the saddest of days, like today, I was able to comfort my friends, re-assure them, nurture them, because I felt I had enough of me, to give more, give freely, BECAUSE I take care of me.
My relationship with myself is ever-changing, and it effects my relationships with others in such a way that I seriously feel like the sun could shine out of my ass somedays!

Rewind to 2008 a very dark time in my life, taking a self help seminar with a group of others who also were in a pretty dark self loathing place. At the end of the course everyone is given honest feedback of their participation, and it was said by most that I am like the warm sunshine on a sad day. If that isn't THE best of compliments, I don't know what is, but I thought they were crazy!

I never understood it then, but now I see, I have always been this person, I just had other ideas of what I thought I was, and became those negative thoughts.

So that's another layer, a little nugget to share with you

All my love

Jewls

So it's been a LONG time since I've made an entry. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but it's more likely that I've been busy and had a million things on my mind, too busy trying to "Keep Calm, carry on".
I think I'm done keeping calm, and carrying on. I feel like a fraud when I do. I am not a calm person, so here I am going to crack it wide open and say all the shit I really want to say but am too afraid to say. I know this is a public place to do so, but I don't even know how many people read this, so... FUCK it, here I go.

I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, and quite possibly going thru a bout of depression due to stress.

Jacob is almost 4, and I've heard it's a difficult age, but really, he's been difficult for a while. his temper tantrums have become really difficult to manage. His Kindy dropped a bomb on us, then retreated and have been useless, and lazy excuse for educators. They boast a wonderful experience for children, family and community, but I have yet to have experienced that all. They say there is something worn, and we need to take action, but yet they can't even do a daily communication book for us? Really, then what are you really doing to make this a wonderful experience for him? so far it's been stressful for him, Ryan and I, and his "educators". Raise my white flag, I surrender, I don't know what to do (other than yell at them for completely dropping the ball). In all honesty, I'm probably most mad at myself because I moved him from somewhere he loved to this crappy place, because it's cheaper. We need help, anyone?

My baby just turned two, and not that I regret my decision to have my tubes tied, BECAUSE I DON'T, but he's my last baby, and he's given up his bottle, he no longer loves to sit and cuddle me, and his new favourite word is "NO!" My last baby, and he's not a baby anymore, and it makes me sad and scared. They're only so sweet for a short period of time, and then it's over.

I wasn't prepared for this!

I know this journey of parenthood didn't just start last week, and I shouldn't be afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing all the time, I feel like a newbie all over again. Every day they break my heart wide open, and make me fall in love with them, and then they turn on me, and make me cry, then act all cute again. It's a long day when  you want so badly to be angry with them, and then they run up to me, and hold my face with their grubby little hands, grin, and plant a booger infused kiss on my lips,  and then I feel bad for being so pissed at them.

This parent gig is hard

I WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS!

I try so hard to be a positive person, I'm supposed to be some peaceful yogini, meditating earth mama, but really I'm splitting at the seams, I haven't cleaned a toilet in MONTHS! (gross I know), the laundry pile keeps getting bigger, and i have to kick it in the laundry room and close the door because I just don't give a shit right now. I'm sad, and really what do I have to be sad about???
I am married to my best friend who tries SO hard to understand my mood swings, bless him and his patience for me. I have two healthy boys, yes they're difficult but I swear my heart tries to burst out of my chest when I see them playing and giggling together. I live in Beautiful Australia, close to beautiful beaches. My life is blessed.

"Why is she so afraid of?" you ask yourself

There are people really struggling to put a roof over their heads, to feed their children, struggling with sick children, or struggling with their own illness, it could me much worse. I am so blessed, and I'm so afraid that one day it will all be gone.

How much love, happiness, joy can one girl have? What happens when my wishing well runs dry? That is what makes me afraid for what's next. What if we're only allowed x amount of happiness, what then? Selling our home in Canada makes everything seem so much less certain. It's a big wide world out there, we could land anywhere, it's exciting and it's scary. How am I ever going to keep it all together, it's just too much for me to take in right now.

This is too heavy for me to carry right now so this is me writing it down, folding up a proverbial paper airplane,  and flying it out to the cyber universe, I'm going to try to let the universe take care of it.

tears wiped away, snot bubbles in the tissue, I'm off to watch a movie with my boys on the couch

Peace out

Finding Beauty

Wow, looking at this screen and I see that it's been 6 months since I've sat down and put my thoughts and feelings out there. I often forget that I have this thing that I love to do, and that is so cathartic, therapeutic, liberating.

I wanted to share with you a little experiment I've been working on in my life. Maybe you'll give it a go to, it's been great for me.

A few years back, maybe 6 now, I went through some INTENSE therapy because I needed to purge some awful beliefs I had about myself, so in that process I decided that the sun will shine out of my ass, and that I would become LOVE. Whenever, wherever I could, just be love, see love, find love in every corner of my life. I was stuck in a deep and dark hole, and I had to dig my way out. I have been looking for the love, finding the love and when I can being the love, and here I am 6 years later living in the sunshine state… coincidence… I think not!

At first it was really difficult to find it in my love so I people watched, my nephew Jasper was born, watching my sister become a mama was such a beautiful thing to see, that little being changed her life immeasurably for the good, he was so pure and sweet, beauty beyond measure. From then it got a little easier, changing my perspective, how I looked at the world around me, it changed the way I interacted with people around me, and eventually the way I had conversations with myself. YES I talk to myself! don't you? pump yourself up to have a conversation your dreading, talk yourself into going for that jog that you don't wanna do now but that you know will make you feel a million times better when it's over, and my most common convo "put down the cheeseburger burger Jewls, it's no good for you"

So this weekend I finally realized that I hadn't done this exercise in a while, and I needed a good reminder of the love and beauty that surrounds me. So I set my intention, on the train Friday evening, heading into the city to meet my favourite guy for a date night. "I will consciously look for the beauty in my life" It's amazing what you find when your looking for it! a couple having dinner, and the subtle hand holding under the table, as though just for them, but I had a sneak peak of their affections! My lovely man, braving the packed salsa dance floor just for me, and once we were dancing, no one else was there, just us. My son, splashing in the pool, saying with pride, "mama did you see me! I can do it all my by self" yes he really says it backwards, and I don't correct him because it's so damn cute! My wee little man just chilling by himself in the soft rain, twirling a leaf between his fingers, and giggling at his daddy doing a cannon ball, and splashing all the way onto the deck where he's sitting. My friend threw a stellar Pirate birthday party for her 3 year old and her partner, and she got right into it, with the pirate accent, all the kids were captivated, that's one birthday party that little girl will remember forever, how her mummy made her feel so special on her birthday. My girlfriend's daughter is quite shy but last night I scored a cuddle AND a fishy kiss! Ryan and I were putting the boys to bed, and Jacob reading books to Levi, a very proud moment for Ryan and I. They really love each other! And now, early morning cuppa joe in silence, only the tapping on the keyboard, and the birds in the garden. the hummmmmmm, stillness, beauty.
Let's be real for a minute, life isn't all sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows, it can be fucking frustrating sometimes, after telling the boy 5 times, "stop throwing things" and he trows it again, and pegs you in the head and I just want to loose my shit on him. Some days I hate the sound of my own voice, and wish I could take a vow of silence. My life is FAR from perfect and peaceful, but conciously finding the simple beautiful things, and allowing those moments to overshadow the craptastic ones makes life so much easier, I'm so much more relaxed, and I think I am a better mama and a better person for it.

Life is good folks, you just have to go out and look for it, go out and find it, I promise you won't be disappointed

so there's my two cents for the day! have an awesome Saturday, I hope the day is as sunny and beautiful for you as it was for me.

my sweet boy turns one

Well that flew by! I can't believe he's been around for a full year! My extra appendage, my barnacle, my little leech, my koala, my sweet little Levi.

Let me take you back for a minute....

well maybe 5 because I'm long winded!

We had just had an ultrasound, the ultrasound that VERY overdue women get, just to make sure everything in there is still ok, and that you can carry on being HUGE for another week. I secretly wanted everything to be fine so I could continue being pregnant so I didn't have to make any decisions, so I could just hopefully let nature take it's course, and let my body do it's birthing in it's own time. Unfortunately I had low fluids so I was forced to make choices.
" you need to have this baby in the next 24 hrs or so, so you and the husband have some choices to consider"
 I hate deciding what to make for dinner, what makes you think I want to make important decisions like this one. Don't get me wrong, I like being in charge most of the time, but I was so afraid that no matter what I chose, the end result would be the same.
" behind curtain number one... a nasty tasting witch potion that throws you into labour and we'll see how you do! OR curtain number two (other un pleasant things to make labour start that don't need to be mentioned, EEEEWWWWWW!) , OR curtain number 3 a long recovery C-Section.
We chose curtain number one! ...... and then eventually had to choose curtain number 3. But I was wrong in assuming it would be the same outcome as Jacob's scary birth. This C-Section was GREAT! I was calm, Ryan was holding my hand, the anesthesiologist was cracking jokes with us, it was a light happy moment, and then I got the surprise of my life!
Surgeon~ "Oh look! HE'S peeing on you!"
Me" WHAT??? It's a BOY???"
anesthesiologist "HA, your in trouble!"

I was all prepared for my Georgia Anne, but we got a sweet Levi Erik instead.

As a mother you would think that I should take the role of teacher, leader, but he teaches me about kindness, fearlessness and forgiveness every day. He reminds me to not get so caught up in the how or why's of life, and just BE. Children are simple, in the best kind of way. He does what he wants and needs, in his own time. He is quick to forgive, forget the wrong doing, and move on to what ever makes him happy, like playing in mama's lime tree pot. rolling the wet soil in his fingers, tasting it. Ahhhh life is simple and life is good for a one year old, and I'm sad to be watching it all unfold so fast. Before long he'll be telling me to go away, stop kissing me mama, or breaking my planters, just to see if he can make me loose my shit.
Why and how do they go from being so sweet, to being these little devils who push and push and frustrate you, make you want to shave your head and get a stupid tattoo and re-live the days of being an irresponsible asshole who thought that somewhere there were people who wanted carry me on a daybed through the streets like Cleopatra. WOW what the fuck was I thinking right! what a nutter I was!

So Levi... if you are reading this down the road, and you're all grown up, a few things I would like to say to you: I love you fiercely. You are a boy, you are a Holmes boy, and you are my son, so I'm sure you'll get yourself into plenty of trouble, but here's the important part, keep that spirit of the gentle, determined, sweet bubby with you. Don't leave this part of you in the dust, take him with you, or else I'll slap you! hehehe just kidding

Happy birthday my little dude, mama loves you
TO THE MOON!

the first time I layed eyes on you, I fell in love!

Wacky mama and her boys!

jewls v5.2

So this all started with Ryan entering into yet another weightloss challenge with a friend. He loves his food but he loves winning more so like a supportive wifey, I decided to jump on the band wagon with my man. He turned into this focused animal, eyes on the prize, won't give up will power machine! which makes me look bad, so I started to jog... again....

Keep in mind that the last time I jogged it was a painful activity in purging the shit I'd be stuffing for years. Now I'm jogging and I am fighting back the tears. Tears because I feel guilty for doing something good for me, tears because I feel like someone else when I run, tears because this feels like the beginning of yet another change in my life and I've had about enough change for a while, tears because I want to let this healthy person out of the shell who has been tucked away in a corner for far too long, but it's hard to let go of old habbits and beliefs about yourself, but mostly, tears because I feel free. I put on my grams' socks and lace up my shoes, plug in my ear buds press play and I'm off. The glorious wind in my face that almost reminds me of being on the motorcycle, like I'm flying, like I can go anywhere I want, but I am the engine powering this ride. Fuck saddlebags I'm not bringing baggage on this ride! 
Now typically I'm not the hugest Rihanna fan, but her song comes on "where have you been all my life, cause I never see you around, are hiding from me, somewhere in the croud" My interpretation is this: we are all looking for someone, something to please us, treat us right, make us feel good about ourselves. Well if the answer to that isn't ME, than I don't know what it is. I need to be able to be happy with me, love me in my own skin, be kind and gentle with myself, be proud of myself. If I don't love me than who will? well I know Ryan does, he loves me on my worst days, sweatpants, wild bed head and a snotty tear stained face, he loves me thru it all, but that's not the point here...

So I kept running past the tears and what I found is simply me! Jewls v5.2 A woman who just wants to be healthy so she can be a good role model for her kids, a supportive wife,  and someone who just wants to love the skin she's in! 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?  Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Marianne Williamson

So... I'm going to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous

and pour me another rum and coke!

what about you?

Soy Colombiana! I love my rice n beans! even if they make me fart like a trucker, I don't care!

So here is my ALL TIME FAVORITE MEAL! it brings me back to being a little girl. The simplest of ingredients blended together in the right way and it makes the house smell like ... home

Black (turtle) beans, rice, salsa, and guacamole & corn tortillas with cheese. Now if I could only get my Papa to come and make it for me, the meal would be complete! He always takes joy in preparing meals for his family, it is his gift to us, healthy, wholesome, and delish! made with LOVE

Mine never turns out quite like his does (he says it's the love) but here goes my best rendition of his masterpiece

1 cup black beans-soak them for a few hrs, or for the day, and drain the water, give them fresh water to cook in. It's been said that doing this minimizes the farts, but really, your eating beans, or maybe we're just a gassy family. try it, I hope it works for you!
ok, back to the beans, 1c beans to 4 1/2 c water in the pressure cooker. add a shake of salt, 2 or 3 whole garlic cloves, a small palm full of cumin seeds and a dribble of olive oil. seal that bad boy up, burner on High.
When you hear the first steam blow, set the timer to 20 minutes!  yup, it's that quick, from dry beans to fully cooked! I usually start the rice and the beans cooking at the same time!

Salsa- 3 Lg tomatoes diced, 1/2 yellow onion chopped finely, 1-2 garlic cloves grated fine, 1 red pepper diced. throw it all in the fry pan, saute it all up with some olive oil, a shake of salt, 1 teaspoon of vinegar (you can use white vinegar or papa likes to use vinegar from the pickled jalapeno rings!)  1 tbsp of soy sauce, cook until onions are soft and the tomatoes are melting!

Guacamole - 2 Avocados, 1 finely grated garlic clove, juice from one lime, a shake of sea salt, some chopped cilantro (coriander for all you Aussies!) a dollop of plain Greek yogurt (papa doesn't mix dairy with avocado, some fruit law... can't remember, but I like it and it's my blog dammit!) mash and mix it up!

cornflour tortillas
take off your rings and wash your hands because this can get messy, but it's oh so good! Jacob loves spanking tortillas with me! and then he eats the dough raw, whatever, it's yummy!
I can't tell you exact measurements, it's all done by texture
a cup or 2 of Maseca cornflour a shake of salt and slowly mix in WARM water. mix/knead for at least 5 minutes and until you can knead it all into one ball.  everything sticks from the edge of the bowl, but not too dry. Take a ball the size of a golf ball, and squish between two pieces of wax paper using a plate, you will know if it's too dry if the edges split. if that's the case get your hands a little wet, and play with the dough and try again! OR
If you want to try, do it by hand! I call it spanking you tortilla! As a little girl I watched for hours as papa's friend's wife from Nicaragua make hand made tortillas, passing this tortilla back and forth spanking it, shaping it, it got thinner and thinner with each pass from one hand to the other, it's burnt into my memory.
you cook it on a hot cast iron grill, I have been using the flat grill on my BBQ!, lightly oiled, preheat the grill to High, and turn down to medium. put em on the grill and start making the next one till the grill is full, check often, move them around flip them a few times until they are nice and browned bubbles on both sides.

I like to put a layer or rice on the bottom of my bowl, then some beans, salsa, some put some guacamole right in the bowl, some spread it on their tortilla, some use their tiny hands as spoons and shovel it in their mouths and spread into their faces and hair, totally up to you, but how ever you chose to eat it, belly up to the troph and...

he has loved his rice and beans forever

him too!

made with love!

buen provecho! bon apetit! good eats!

makes me drool just looking at it!

OMNOMNOM!

So folks I decided I might share with you some of my favorite quick, yummy and sometimes healthy meal ideas!

Let's start with some pizza on the grill!
The crust: is the thorn in my side! I love making it from scratch, but I can never get it right on the grill, I'll have to chat with my sister Ashley about that one, she's the pro! so for now we'll go with store bought! thin crust
Sauce: a lovely Italian man told me simple, quality ingredients, and don't forget to add the love! So I usually start with a can of whole tomatoes, not the no name, the expensive ones! some sea salt, sometimes if I have time, 1 or 2 roaster garlic cloves, sometimes a couple of roasted red peppers,  always olive oil and zing it up in the bullet!
toppings: 1. to make it super simple I drop some pretty basil leaves, sliced baby zucchini halved cherry or grape tomato, flesh side up and sliced (NOT grated) mozzarella, makes for a ooey gooey yummy eats
2. If I have a bit more time I like to saute some mushrooms, red pepper, onion, while that's sizzling I add some quality Italian sausage, we like something spicy! spread the sauteed toppings, top with sliced mozzarella
3. I trade tomato sauce for BBQ sauce, saute onion and mushroom, cut up leftover chicken and throw some BBQ sauce on that, and mix it in with the sauteed onions, spread on crust and add slices of mozza!
on the Grill because I love the char yummy on the bottom, and I don't like heating up the whole house with a pizza craving!
preheat the grill, turn it down to medium heat, rub a bit of olive oil on the bottom of your crust and place it directly on the grill. keep a close eye on it, cook until the cheese is bubbly! you may have to turn it around on the grill a few times if you have a hot spot on your grill! mine is always hotter in the back. And to get that yummy specimen off the grill, four words...double fist the flippers!

 

here are just a few pics of the different ways I've tried making pizza on my grill! enjoy!

in perfect balance

 Let me take you through my day. we get up, I make breakfast for the boys and we eat together, I pack a lunch get us all dressed and we're off to drop Jake off at School
"After you wake up from nap, you'll have afternoon tea then when you go outside to play mama will be there... I promise" kiss, he cries, and I walk away feeling a little sad, but it gets so much better!

Today felt like things fell into place, and went smoothly, and I accomplished more that I ever imagined I could. Grocery shopping while carrying mistersito, he fell asleep with his tiny perfect little lips against my chest! what a treat, these sweet moments are quickly coming to an end, he's such a busy boy! So while I strolled through the isles, savoring the sweetness that was asleep on my boobies, I sipped my yum yum guilty pleasure. Milk tea half the sugar and every last yummy pearl. mmmm...... bubble tea! then off to another mall to grab some potty training appropriate shorts for Jake. YUP! potty training! so excited! if I never have to wipe his poppy ass again I'll do the happy dance for a week! then the little man and I grabbed out weekly sushi to go, off to the house to put everything away and eat our nummy sushi that somehow tastes better because it's so cheap!

Off to bed for a real nap goes the bambino, and I furiously clean so I can sit for a while with my cup of tea and watch some crappy soap opera. Yup, I've been watching the same one since I was maybe 14? pretty bad, I know, I'm hooked! I get through some laundry, fold and stuff the nappies. I did all of this with my hair up with these cute curls falling around my face, mascara, bronzer and... red lips! yup, I was feeling pretty sassy today! But here is where I wipe those lips clean and wash the mascara away because I was about to get seriously sweaty! Levi woke up and we went for a jog to pick up Jake, found out he had a wonderful day, NO ACCIDENTS!!! I couldn't be prouder! I jogged home, while Jake cheered me on, "good job running mama!" There is something about going for a jog or a ride on my bike, with the wind in my face, I control how fast or how slow, feels like time will stand still for me so I can just.... be...enjoy. It takes my breath away every time, and I wonder "why don't I do this more often?"

I made an easy healthy meal while watching Jake jump on his new FREE trampoline (the short version: a reputable department store was on island time when it came to deliver it, so... I yelled, they said "free?" I said ok!) and my sexy husband take care of the yard, and perform his pool boy duties! (not that it's officially his job, but I like to think I have a sexy pool boy who comes around and services the pool...and other things!) We ate, Jake sand for us, we laughed at the amount of food Levi had on his whole body and under his chair. The boys played, giggled while I quickly cleaned up the no mess supper then had a lovely hot shower with no interruptions! no "mama, look, that's your belly!" or "mama that's your boobies!" or "mama, where's your penis?" just me, with wild giggles in the background. I took my turn at putting Jake to bed and he read ME 3 books! a kiss and he was off to never never land, third star on the right and straight on till morning.

Today I feel like I finally have balance. I feel beautiful, I feel powerful. I feel like a nurturing mother, I feel like I nurtured myself. I feel like I made my husband's day easier (because everything he does at home makes my life easier) we ate healthy, I treated my body to a good sweat, a long shower, I spent that extra time snuggling my boy to bed, it was an awesome day, like the universe gave me the opportunity to make it a good one and I think I did pretty damn good!

Now I'm off to crawl into bed with my best friend, my partner, my hot pool boy!

life is good!
nighty night all
xo

letting go a thousand times over

Last Friday Jacob went to school for the first time. Well it's not "school" per say it's pre-kindy but Jacob calls it school I KNOW HE'S WAY TOO YOUNG FOR SCHOOL RIGHT? FAWK! tear number one, man this makes me weepy, let's see how many times I cry writing this! 

I do a lot of thinking when I'm up at night, nursing my baby, rubbing a sick boy's back, singing him a lullaby, getting a glass of water, and of course going wee for the umpteenth time GAWD I hate this post baby bladder!

Anyway, back to thinking... thinking about what this is all about, this gig called "mama" I often wonder why us mama's have a little tear of when your baby makes a milestone. Yesterday Levi really waved at me, not random coincidence, but he looked at me with a HUGE grin, I said "Hi buddy!" and he waved! and I couldn't stop HA more tears... OK, that's two.

Every little milestone, from the first time I let someone feed them a bottle, to sitting up, walking, talking talking back! Learning new things, figuring out that mama is the only one in the house that doesn't have a penis! (which by the way I get questioned about every time he catches me in the shower or getting dressed, getting annoying!) I get all weepy. It's this overwhelming wave of pride. Ryan and I created these boys! my body grew this? still find myself a little baffled as to how that happened, but then I have this little moment of sorrow. This moment is one step closer to my baby growing up and not needing me, 1 more thing he can do for himself, he doesn't need me to ... insert new milestone....for him anymore. I have had this moment a thousand times over with Jacob, and it had begun with Levi, but this "school" thing is different 

all ready with his pack pack

It's big for my boy's independence, for his self confidence and for my sanity! a small side note, grocery shopping with one little monkey that doesn't talk back and  doesn't "mama I NEED dis candy...dis coloring book...dis cookies"  along the way is AWESOME!

it's also big because I have to let him go out in the world, let go of the belief that I am the only one that can get him to nap nicely, he napped 2 hrs on his first day! clearly I'm wrong. I have to trust someone else to look out for him, teach new things that unfortunately he won't learn from me right now because we both need a time out from eachother.

So the proof is in the pudding right? he came home from school the first time and just wanted to hug Levi, bring him toys, and told me, "mama I luff mine Levi!" is that sweet or what! Friday after we got home from school he opened his "pack pack" and gave me 2 paintings "look mama, I paint! dis for you" I get all teary eyed and he says "it's OK mama, I a big boy"

Yes you are!

"I want a pack pack too!"

All in all it's a few tears shed, confidence gained, and one beaming proud mama and daddy

better days

snuggled up with his long lost pal boog

Well it's 2013! If you would have asked me a year ago where I would be in the next year, never in a million years would I have guessed I would be here!

So we moved into our new home, and our sea freight FINALLY arrived! It feels like forever ago we watched the packers roll in and pack up my life and left my home empty and a little sad looking. But finally it's all here, my bed, our couch and chair, Levi's crib and the soft bumper pads that keep his little melon from rolling into the bed frame, Jacob's HUGE Boog  and all his favorite books. all our favorite comforts of home. we are basically unpacked, just a few boxes under the house, garage stuff. This has been a long journey from home in Calgary to home in Brisbane.

I was so worried about Jake and how he would adjust, what life would be like for him, how he would handle this move, and he's been a real trooper. He's gone with the flow, adjusted to where ever we lay a mattress on the floor for him to sleep. I'm so proud of him, but I'm also worried about him.

precursor, I do realize... he is two.
I've been watching him in social situations, and for the most part he's aggressive, loud, in their faces with his scary grumpy voice. he's hitting, pushing kids over, not sharing, taking toys away from kids, picking on the little ones. This is not only mortifying for me to watch, and try to discipline him thru, but it's embarrassing. I've read over and over that our kids will re-live our worst parenting moments for us to see. I am so embarrassed to admit but the grumpy yelling that he does, I will take responsibility for.I have lost my patience with him on many occasions over the last 3 months where the scary mommy shriek comes out, and then I hear myself. and the look on his little face is so sad. FUCK
I don't want to make him feel small. I hope these aren't the memories he will have of his childhood. I want him to remember the times we make forts and he "cooks me" suppers and I gobble it all up, or when we have picnics in the park, snuggle time at bed time and how I tickle his back to calm him down, all the boo boos I've kissed away.

Here it is...
I'm not the perfect mama.
No mother is perfect. to be human is to error. part of being human is seeing the lesson, and learning from it, doing better next time. This "mama" gig is a tough job is ever changing, constantly challenging me, it's a difficult job, but if it was easy, it probably wouldn't be so rewarding when he is having an amazing moment and the happy sweet boy that I know is in there comes out. Watching my kid kiss someone's ouchie better and asking " are you ok?" or "thanks for sharing buddy" are some of my proudest moments as a mama.

Sometimes I need a reminder that I don't have to be perfect, I just need  to do better than the last time. Learn from my mistakes move onto better days

So that's where we're at. moving onto better days, growing, learning, and hopefully a whole lot of fun along the way!

They're everywhere

Before you read ahead, be warned, it's not all roses, unicorns and sunshine today, I wouldn't say blue, but maybe melancholy and nostalgic...

So, for those of you who don't know, I live here in Queensland in 2001. I met a woman named Kimberly Birchley who I affectionately called my Aussie mama. Sadly she passed in 2006 after a lifelong struggle with hepatitis, she was only 43. it has been 6 years since she passed, and it feels like forever ago, but being so close to where we met, where she lived and died, it also feels like just yesterday, a fresh wound with a dash of distance salt. Now that I am living here, she's everywhere. The whiff of cigarettes and sweet smelling perfume, behind the wheel of every ridiculously oversized Land Cruiser with the windows open and tunes blaring. I can hear her deep velvet voice whispering in my ear " I'm with you"
Then there is my sweet grams, who's passing in only 6 weeks ago, still fresh and I miss her. There is something about the smell of fresh rain and church bells ringing that remind me of being a little girl twirling as fast as I can in her living room while listening to her play "the entertainer" on the piano. She follows me around in every smiling wrinkly face, the smell of a brewing cup of black tea with milk. I had a cup of tea in her memory while I strolled thru the grocery store, I can almost feel her warmth with every sip
mmmmmm comfort.

Shelly beach, Caloundra will always be our first!

Well folks, we've been here for 5 full days. Our days have been filled with getting oriented, grocery shopping, setting up bank accounts, , getting driver's licences, house hunting, learning how to drive on the WRONG side of the road, adjusting to the time change. It's been a little confusing at times, frustrating and exhausting, but today we did the best kind of first. The kind of first that we will forever be burned into my memory.

We arrived on the beach and walked thru 200 metres of soft golden sand to a lagoon that was filled in the morning during high tide, and by 3:30 it was perfect for playing in! Jake was terrified! First he got some wet sand stuck to the scrape on his knee, so he wiped away with his hand, then he rubbed his eyes and the squealing began. After Ryan got him sand free and calm, he convinced him to go see the ocean, and here is where my moment happened.

I was trailing behind, with the baby so when I came up and over the sand bank, I saw my son running away from an upcoming wave, screeching with sheer joy, and my husband standing in the ocean watching and laughing at our boy. I thought to myself, "we're not on holidays, we're home!"

We're driving home now and I can still feel the salty sticky ocean air on my face

Life is so good, and it just keeps getting better

Just a side note, Currently do not have a phone to snap quick shots, so I've actually been using my awesome SLR but... I don't get my computer to upload all my photos until mid December, so hang tight peeps, a TON are photos are still to come!

Much love to you my friends and family

Holmes
Over and out

My grannie Annie

So today I want to tell you about my Grams.
Anne Tully Montgomery. Born December 9, 1925, in Banff Alberta. A mountain girl through and through. She grew up next to St George in the Pines church where her daddy was minister, and got to meet all sorts of visitors from all over the world who came to visit the small picture-esk town. Growing up my grams played classical piano, and enjoyed school and cross country skiing. I've seen many photos of my grams and her sissy layered in 4 or 5 stockings under their skirt and a long petty coat, strapped to a pair of x-counrty skis, she never wore 'slacks' until she was in her 30's I think, even in -40 degrees, she was one tough girl. She lived through the war, meeting military from all over the world, even had a fairytale love with a man from Australia, who tragically died in a plane crash. Luckily for me she went on to meet my grandfather, and have 6 children, 15 grand children and 9 great grand children. My grams was a firm believer that you divorce people, and not family, so when my aunt and my mama went through a divorce, the x-es continued calling her mum as she insisted and she still loved them like her own. She even took Joy under her warm welcoming wing, and she was the child of grandpa's second wife. We learned by example to be grateful for the small things, to be inclusive, to be generous with our hearts, to never take yourself too serious, and to forgive quickly because life is just too short to be angry at someone else.

My Grams decided two weeks ago that she was done so she stuck around just long enough for the family to show up say there good-byes and we sent her off knowing that she was loved. It is so typical of my Grams that once she decided she was going to do something, she did it, and did it well. She lived her life like that, and she died that way, all her ducks in a row, funeral already bought and paid for, quick, no mess, just done. Even in death she is giving by donating her body.

Grams died early Wednesday morning after a few weeks of intense pain and finally organ failure took her in the end. As sad as I am to see her pass, I'm relieved that she isn't in pain anymore, and that she can finally be at peace.

Until the last 2 weeks she was so alert, kicking my ass at cribbage, cracking jokes, bragging about all her great grand babies and making everyone smile.

I can't believe she's gone

different samesies...

Late last night as I sit in the rocking chair nursing my dreamy baby, I realized that yes it may be some un godly hour, but it's quiet and peaceful, and it gives me time to think about things that I otherwise don't have time to think about.
Like the fact that I came home from Australia 11 years ago this month. I always had a fleeting thought in the back of my head that I shouldn't have come home, I really loved it there but 9/11 was still fresh in everyone's mind and I wanted to be with my family, I was so home sick. This time heading Down under I won't be alone, I'm bringing my beautiful family with me. My best friend and our 2 sweet boys, going on the "adventure of our lives" people keep calling it, but I find that strange, it's our life, I will still be changing bums, bribing the big boy to pee in the potty, grocery shopping, cooking meals, tidying up behind hurricane Jacob, perpetually rotating laundry, kissing boo boos, reading books, kissing my sweet husband goodnight, doing the midnight dream feed, and waking up the next morning to do it all again. It may sound boring to some people but I love my life! I'm only moving this lovely little life of mine to a hot and sunny place that has big hairy spiders, funny accents and beaches. so yes its different, yes it's an adventure, but it'll still be the same. not the same same, but different same. Am I making any sense? or am I just a sleep deprived mama bear?

Anyway, here are a few pictures I got back from the photographer, AAAAHHHHHHHhhhh so stinking cute!
little back story, I wanted to have pictures of my family and the Houle family. They are some of our very favorite people in the world, Jake and Quinn LOVE eachother, and I wanted to have that captured, and did Deanna ever capture that love between them! I'm going to miss them watching them grow up together :(

The next big Adventure!

well, as you may have heard, we're moving!!!
Here's the short and skinny of it, WAY back in June Ryan was at the Oil & Gas trade show and there was a recruiting booth for an Aussie gas company called Santos, he got to chatting with the recruiter who did his job and convinced that moving to Australia was a good idea. So he came home and asked what I thought. I had spent some time vacationing/working in Australia when I was 21 and LOVED it, I didn't need any convincing so on October 13, Ryan and I will be loading the boys up on a plane to Brisbane to our temporary home until we find a more permanent one.

Since the day Ryan accepted the position we have been purging, selling, organizing and spending quality time with family and close friends. People keep asking how we are doing, and up until now I've been doing well. Everyday sorting a little, organizing something, getting a few questions answered, making a new memory with our friends in hopes that our boys remember where they come from, remember the people who love them and are waiting for them back home. Now is when I think the anxiety sets in that I'm moving, really far away, and I HAVE TO GET IT DONE!

I have to have everything ready to go, I have to get everything that isn't coming out of the house. There are no "one last trip to throw out the rest" or one last trip to the goodwill donation centre, so if anyone out there wants to come over, lend a hand or some arms for a babe to snuggle so I can do it, come on over! I pay in rum, vodka, tequila, you know the liquor cabinet left overs, condiments from the fridge, frozen leftovers from the deep freeze and tea n cookies!

Wish me luck folks, domestic organization and moving fast are not my forte!

BC Vacation

It's been an action packed summer so far! Off to Kellwna for holidays!!! And then we all got sick ;( even baby. Bronchitis, so we cut the trip short, came home and got healthy. Longing for some hot BC weather and some family time we decided to go back. We spent 4 nights camping in canyon hot springs with Ryan's grandma n grandpa

Then we were off to the farm for some more family fun. Spent a day at the lake on the boat, went to Uncle Bob's Dairy farm and Jake got to see real live cows! he was stunned, I think maybe a bit shocked at how huge they are, he barely spoke a word which is RARE folks, this boy chats a mile a minute. He also got to drive his dream vehicle... a TRACTOR. We had an awesome morning with Aunty Dawn that included water balloons, BIG bubbles and a soaking wet boy who napped for 3 hrs afterwards! Jake got to meet some second cousins, gorgeous gingers who LOVED baby Levi and tried to smuggle him home. His daily chores included feeding the fish with "Gama and Gampa", hunting for kitties with his cousin Cameron, visiting the "noisy chickens", feeding the horses the fallen apples, & keeping the blueberry bush clear and free of any over ripe berries. Mama and Daddy even got to go on a date which means the boys were spoiled for the evening, movies. BC holidays were everything a 2 year old boy dreams about, but it's always nice to come home and strech out in my big ol bed, and get back to reality..... THE BIG MOVE DOWN UNDER!!!!!

Officially out numbered!

Apologies for being late, as usual! Late because this boy was 11 days overdue and late because... Well having two boys under two is BUSY! But here it is, the story of the birth of our second son! So any of you that are squeamish at the thought of fluids, uteruses and other such slimy things, maybe stop reading now! You've been warned!


So at 10 days over due team baby (Ryan, our wonderful midwife and I) had decided that we could start the rodeo, so I downed the gross whitchy concoction (verbena castor oil) and waited. Only 3 hrs later I was working thru some pretty hearty contractions! I kissed my first born goodnight and got down to business! My dear friend Christy (and midwife) came over and we three we're quiet in my room while I hummed my way thru some good contractions and napping in between, apparently even for a 30 second break, I nodded off, snoring and all! At 1am we decided to head to the hospital. Unfortunately I hadn't dilated much dispite good contractions:( after a few hrs of baby's heart rate being all over the place, muconeum in his fluid, a few different maneuvers to try to settle his heart rate and help me dilate, nothing had changed so.... We decided that rather than waiting until the baby was in distress, we would just go ahead and have another C section.
Now when we agreed to a Cesarean the first time I was devastated and terrified, this time, yes I was a little sad that I'd never have the vaginal delivery I'd always wanted, but I was relieved knowing that Ryan and I could both be present for the birth of our child.
I think it was within the hour we were in the OR and I was faced with the big blue curtain, holding my loving supportive husbands hands, he stroked my hair and kissed me when we heard our baby cry for the first time, and then... Our biggest surprise, " oh look he's peeing on you already!"
WHAT??? "HE???" no way it's a boy? We were both convinced we were going to bring home a baby girl, a Georgia Anne after my grandmother, but around the curtain came a tiny baby with big balls! It was true! another boy and the first thing the anesthesiologist said to me was "two boys! Your in big trouble!"


So Levi Erik Holmes was born.
May 15,2012
07:18am
7lbs 9oz
Cooked to perfection!

letting go...

So it has occurred to me that maybe writing down my fears may help me sort them out, so here we go.

How I had planned and envisioned Jacob's birth vs. how it actually went was very different. I had hoped for a peaceful home birth in my tub but I ended up with an emergency C-Section, I was knocked out, and Ryan was put in a tiny room with a window to watch through the tiny spaces between the blinds. I was scared. Scared because it all happened so fast, scared because I didn't understand why it had happened, and scared because my last memory before they knocked me out was that my son's heart rate was rapidly dropping. My only comfort was the knowing that one of the many people in the room buzzing around was my midwife who happened to be one of my dear friends was there in the OR with me, and I trusted her.

A few short days later we brought our son home, feeling very blessed that he was healthy, but in the back of my mind I felt ripped off, because I had been k.o.'s out during his birth, that I was not the first set of eyes he saw, that his father was in another room scared and alone, that we were not together and present as a family for his birth. Guilty because I had taken the post surgery morphine, because his mommy couldn't hold his head up to her breast to nurse him for the first time.

Now, 3 days overdue and after almost 2 years of searching for the "why" in all of this, here is what I have discovered. And i will put this in capitals because it is SO important to me... IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW IT ALL HAPPENED, OR WHY IT HAPPENED. We are a society that is constantly looking for an answer, a reason, an explanation, and maybe that's why we all have so many hang ups, so many insecurities. in the end it doesn't fucking matter why, in the end I gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy who is truly a blessing, and everyday he reminds me everyday to get out of my head, and just be in the moment with him and play! right now because later might be too late. he does it, so why can't I? Right

I'm going to give energy of worry and fear over to the universe and I am going to play and snuggle and nap and read that stupid truck book over and over again until he's satisfied that he knows all the names of the trucks, and then we'll move on to another book, and maybe somewhere in there I'll have another healthy baby!


40+2 days

I guess that's all I have to say for now
off to go snuggle in my bed and have a nap
buenas noches
xo J

loving my boy

The Final Countdown

It is April 29th, which leaves T minus 5 sleeps until my due date, but remember that Jake was 9 days overdue so 14 more sleeps??? so really? when do you start the count down? you never know, could be today, count be in 7 more, the unknown.... This is the Karmic debt I pay for sneaking around, pre-opening Christmas gifts and then re-wrapping them. this is the kind of gift you can't pre-open, just for one tiny peek, and then put it back. Oh the anticipation!

From my last entry to now, I think I'm better prepared for what's coming. But really, your never really prepared for how a tiny baby changes your life, but I have finally started nesting, that's a good sign I suppose! I have been driving myself bonkers trying to sew these curtains for the baby's room, and then I realized I had enough fabric to make some for Jake's room, and now that I'm SOOOO close to being done, I realize that they are too short! so yesterday I waddled out to Fabricland to pick up some more fabric to add a plain panel at the bottom. My poor little sausage toes, I don't the could get any fatter!, walking around a mall, and then sitting at this bar height table the chair hits my legs at the perfect pressure point and cuts the circulation off and thus... the purple piggies! That and my obsession with McDonald's soft serve ice cream! can't get enough! Speaking of which, my wonderful husband just walked in with some soft serve, and... the necessary items for his nesting! He has been installing shelving in the basement closets, cleaning out the garage, putting things back into the basement storage spaces, making numerous trips to Rona because he got the wrong size of shelf, or he forgot something small. we're focused and driven to get these things done, yet distracted and forgetting small details. Even Jake is nesting in his own way. Trying to assert control when ever and where ever he can. When he naps, or doesn't nap, when he eats, what he eats, and whether he wears clothes outside, every response seems to be "no no no" As strange as it sounds, I'm glad I have so many distractions to keep me from watching the clock and agonizing over every day that passes without going into labour. I'm thankful for every day that passes. Another day to devote to my little man, more un-inturrupted snuggles with the boy, another good night's sleep, another day to eat guilt free soft serve!
what's a few more days? I'll take em'!

getting closer

so as of today I am 36 weeks pregnant... that is crazy and so scary, time flys too fast. It's funny how my perspective this pregnancy has changed drastically from the first.

In my pregnancy with Jacob I was begging for him to come early, I had waited many long years to be a mother, and I was on the cusp of having that dream come true and I didn't want to wait. after 36 weeks I told him "any time now little boy, any time" oh how my tune has changed.

 I don't like the rate at which I have grown, the difference in speed that my son can run vs how fast I can respond to those running legs, and how our due date of May 4th has quickly approached.
Only 4 weeks left.
Only 4 more weeks of restful un-interrupted sleep, 4 more weeks of consistency for my boy,  4 more weeks to devote to showing Jake that he is and always will be my boy, my heart, my sunshine, my most proudest accomplishment to date. That in itself seems like a daunting task.

On top of all that I have a baby room to set up and decorate so that this new addition feels like it has it's own place on our home, that he or she belongs. I have curtains to sew, a few small paintings to paint, some pictures to put up, and figure out a place for he or she to sleep, Jake has not shown me that he's ready to give up his crib. As a matter of fact, he LOVES his crib. I'm afraid to change things for him, afraid to ruin his awesome sleeping, afraid to make him grow up too fast, and I think it's a small case of me being too cheap to buy another crib.
Am I being cheap?

Anyway, this ticking time bomb keeps ticking and I wonder "how will I survive this feeling of "I'm cheating on my kid with a new baby" How will I love someone else as much as I love him? How does any mother survive this?" and then I remember that I am human, we adapt and change as needed, and I know that my heart has a great capacity for love, I will make room, that's how I will survive, just do it!

Anyway, that is one side of the coin of my feelings, now the other side isn't so nice. I'm just going to put it out there that I am pregnant, hormonal, and I felt the same way in my first pregnancy, and I got over it, but it's my blog so dammit I'm gonna unload a little, so if you don't want to hear it... adios amigos, here is your cue to log off... you've been warned

So people piss me off. All kinds of people. My family members, friends, random strangers in line in front of me at the Starbucks drive thru. Don't they know I'm in a rush? make up your mind! If I didn't have a toddler and this large watermelon I'm heaving in and out of the car, I'd just go in but it's too much work at this point so make up your damn mind! and really that's the jest of my rant here. People are SO wishy washy about so many things that they shouldn't.