again, I rarely use this platform, I will however have a new blog starting soon, a little more yoga related, but it will still be alot to do with our evolution as a family, Myself as a mother, woman, & yogini.

I just wanted to share with you something I realized today. I was doing my Kryia (yoga sequence/meditation) today, and I had a BIG realization. I often beat myself up because I think "I'm not doing enough yoga" It is said that asana, postures, are ONLY 10% of what Yoga is really about. It is the science of the body and mind. It is about the evolution of humanity, it is about developing a kindness, compassion, and respect for ourselves, and the world around us. It is about personal evolution. So it occured to me, I meditate, I question things, I activley find beauty, and positivity, and even on the saddest of days, like today, I was able to comfort my friends, re-assure them, nurture them, because I felt I had enough of me, to give more, give freely, BECAUSE I take care of me.
My relationship with myself is ever-changing, and it effects my relationships with others in such a way that I seriously feel like the sun could shine out of my ass somedays!

Rewind to 2008 a very dark time in my life, taking a self help seminar with a group of others who also were in a pretty dark self loathing place. At the end of the course everyone is given honest feedback of their participation, and it was said by most that I am like the warm sunshine on a sad day. If that isn't THE best of compliments, I don't know what is, but I thought they were crazy!

I never understood it then, but now I see, I have always been this person, I just had other ideas of what I thought I was, and became those negative thoughts.

So that's another layer, a little nugget to share with you

All my love

Jewls

So it's been a LONG time since I've made an entry. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but it's more likely that I've been busy and had a million things on my mind, too busy trying to "Keep Calm, carry on".
I think I'm done keeping calm, and carrying on. I feel like a fraud when I do. I am not a calm person, so here I am going to crack it wide open and say all the shit I really want to say but am too afraid to say. I know this is a public place to do so, but I don't even know how many people read this, so... FUCK it, here I go.

I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, and quite possibly going thru a bout of depression due to stress.

Jacob is almost 4, and I've heard it's a difficult age, but really, he's been difficult for a while. his temper tantrums have become really difficult to manage. His Kindy dropped a bomb on us, then retreated and have been useless, and lazy excuse for educators. They boast a wonderful experience for children, family and community, but I have yet to have experienced that all. They say there is something worn, and we need to take action, but yet they can't even do a daily communication book for us? Really, then what are you really doing to make this a wonderful experience for him? so far it's been stressful for him, Ryan and I, and his "educators". Raise my white flag, I surrender, I don't know what to do (other than yell at them for completely dropping the ball). In all honesty, I'm probably most mad at myself because I moved him from somewhere he loved to this crappy place, because it's cheaper. We need help, anyone?

My baby just turned two, and not that I regret my decision to have my tubes tied, BECAUSE I DON'T, but he's my last baby, and he's given up his bottle, he no longer loves to sit and cuddle me, and his new favourite word is "NO!" My last baby, and he's not a baby anymore, and it makes me sad and scared. They're only so sweet for a short period of time, and then it's over.

I wasn't prepared for this!

I know this journey of parenthood didn't just start last week, and I shouldn't be afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing all the time, I feel like a newbie all over again. Every day they break my heart wide open, and make me fall in love with them, and then they turn on me, and make me cry, then act all cute again. It's a long day when  you want so badly to be angry with them, and then they run up to me, and hold my face with their grubby little hands, grin, and plant a booger infused kiss on my lips,  and then I feel bad for being so pissed at them.

This parent gig is hard

I WASN'T PREPARED FOR THIS!

I try so hard to be a positive person, I'm supposed to be some peaceful yogini, meditating earth mama, but really I'm splitting at the seams, I haven't cleaned a toilet in MONTHS! (gross I know), the laundry pile keeps getting bigger, and i have to kick it in the laundry room and close the door because I just don't give a shit right now. I'm sad, and really what do I have to be sad about???
I am married to my best friend who tries SO hard to understand my mood swings, bless him and his patience for me. I have two healthy boys, yes they're difficult but I swear my heart tries to burst out of my chest when I see them playing and giggling together. I live in Beautiful Australia, close to beautiful beaches. My life is blessed.

"Why is she so afraid of?" you ask yourself

There are people really struggling to put a roof over their heads, to feed their children, struggling with sick children, or struggling with their own illness, it could me much worse. I am so blessed, and I'm so afraid that one day it will all be gone.

How much love, happiness, joy can one girl have? What happens when my wishing well runs dry? That is what makes me afraid for what's next. What if we're only allowed x amount of happiness, what then? Selling our home in Canada makes everything seem so much less certain. It's a big wide world out there, we could land anywhere, it's exciting and it's scary. How am I ever going to keep it all together, it's just too much for me to take in right now.

This is too heavy for me to carry right now so this is me writing it down, folding up a proverbial paper airplane,  and flying it out to the cyber universe, I'm going to try to let the universe take care of it.

tears wiped away, snot bubbles in the tissue, I'm off to watch a movie with my boys on the couch

Peace out

Finding Beauty

Wow, looking at this screen and I see that it's been 6 months since I've sat down and put my thoughts and feelings out there. I often forget that I have this thing that I love to do, and that is so cathartic, therapeutic, liberating.

I wanted to share with you a little experiment I've been working on in my life. Maybe you'll give it a go to, it's been great for me.

A few years back, maybe 6 now, I went through some INTENSE therapy because I needed to purge some awful beliefs I had about myself, so in that process I decided that the sun will shine out of my ass, and that I would become LOVE. Whenever, wherever I could, just be love, see love, find love in every corner of my life. I was stuck in a deep and dark hole, and I had to dig my way out. I have been looking for the love, finding the love and when I can being the love, and here I am 6 years later living in the sunshine state… coincidence… I think not!

At first it was really difficult to find it in my love so I people watched, my nephew Jasper was born, watching my sister become a mama was such a beautiful thing to see, that little being changed her life immeasurably for the good, he was so pure and sweet, beauty beyond measure. From then it got a little easier, changing my perspective, how I looked at the world around me, it changed the way I interacted with people around me, and eventually the way I had conversations with myself. YES I talk to myself! don't you? pump yourself up to have a conversation your dreading, talk yourself into going for that jog that you don't wanna do now but that you know will make you feel a million times better when it's over, and my most common convo "put down the cheeseburger burger Jewls, it's no good for you"

So this weekend I finally realized that I hadn't done this exercise in a while, and I needed a good reminder of the love and beauty that surrounds me. So I set my intention, on the train Friday evening, heading into the city to meet my favourite guy for a date night. "I will consciously look for the beauty in my life" It's amazing what you find when your looking for it! a couple having dinner, and the subtle hand holding under the table, as though just for them, but I had a sneak peak of their affections! My lovely man, braving the packed salsa dance floor just for me, and once we were dancing, no one else was there, just us. My son, splashing in the pool, saying with pride, "mama did you see me! I can do it all my by self" yes he really says it backwards, and I don't correct him because it's so damn cute! My wee little man just chilling by himself in the soft rain, twirling a leaf between his fingers, and giggling at his daddy doing a cannon ball, and splashing all the way onto the deck where he's sitting. My friend threw a stellar Pirate birthday party for her 3 year old and her partner, and she got right into it, with the pirate accent, all the kids were captivated, that's one birthday party that little girl will remember forever, how her mummy made her feel so special on her birthday. My girlfriend's daughter is quite shy but last night I scored a cuddle AND a fishy kiss! Ryan and I were putting the boys to bed, and Jacob reading books to Levi, a very proud moment for Ryan and I. They really love each other! And now, early morning cuppa joe in silence, only the tapping on the keyboard, and the birds in the garden. the hummmmmmm, stillness, beauty.
Let's be real for a minute, life isn't all sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows, it can be fucking frustrating sometimes, after telling the boy 5 times, "stop throwing things" and he trows it again, and pegs you in the head and I just want to loose my shit on him. Some days I hate the sound of my own voice, and wish I could take a vow of silence. My life is FAR from perfect and peaceful, but conciously finding the simple beautiful things, and allowing those moments to overshadow the craptastic ones makes life so much easier, I'm so much more relaxed, and I think I am a better mama and a better person for it.

Life is good folks, you just have to go out and look for it, go out and find it, I promise you won't be disappointed

so there's my two cents for the day! have an awesome Saturday, I hope the day is as sunny and beautiful for you as it was for me.

my sweet boy turns one

Well that flew by! I can't believe he's been around for a full year! My extra appendage, my barnacle, my little leech, my koala, my sweet little Levi.

Let me take you back for a minute....

well maybe 5 because I'm long winded!

We had just had an ultrasound, the ultrasound that VERY overdue women get, just to make sure everything in there is still ok, and that you can carry on being HUGE for another week. I secretly wanted everything to be fine so I could continue being pregnant so I didn't have to make any decisions, so I could just hopefully let nature take it's course, and let my body do it's birthing in it's own time. Unfortunately I had low fluids so I was forced to make choices.
" you need to have this baby in the next 24 hrs or so, so you and the husband have some choices to consider"
 I hate deciding what to make for dinner, what makes you think I want to make important decisions like this one. Don't get me wrong, I like being in charge most of the time, but I was so afraid that no matter what I chose, the end result would be the same.
" behind curtain number one... a nasty tasting witch potion that throws you into labour and we'll see how you do! OR curtain number two (other un pleasant things to make labour start that don't need to be mentioned, EEEEWWWWWW!) , OR curtain number 3 a long recovery C-Section.
We chose curtain number one! ...... and then eventually had to choose curtain number 3. But I was wrong in assuming it would be the same outcome as Jacob's scary birth. This C-Section was GREAT! I was calm, Ryan was holding my hand, the anesthesiologist was cracking jokes with us, it was a light happy moment, and then I got the surprise of my life!
Surgeon~ "Oh look! HE'S peeing on you!"
Me" WHAT??? It's a BOY???"
anesthesiologist "HA, your in trouble!"

I was all prepared for my Georgia Anne, but we got a sweet Levi Erik instead.

As a mother you would think that I should take the role of teacher, leader, but he teaches me about kindness, fearlessness and forgiveness every day. He reminds me to not get so caught up in the how or why's of life, and just BE. Children are simple, in the best kind of way. He does what he wants and needs, in his own time. He is quick to forgive, forget the wrong doing, and move on to what ever makes him happy, like playing in mama's lime tree pot. rolling the wet soil in his fingers, tasting it. Ahhhh life is simple and life is good for a one year old, and I'm sad to be watching it all unfold so fast. Before long he'll be telling me to go away, stop kissing me mama, or breaking my planters, just to see if he can make me loose my shit.
Why and how do they go from being so sweet, to being these little devils who push and push and frustrate you, make you want to shave your head and get a stupid tattoo and re-live the days of being an irresponsible asshole who thought that somewhere there were people who wanted carry me on a daybed through the streets like Cleopatra. WOW what the fuck was I thinking right! what a nutter I was!

So Levi... if you are reading this down the road, and you're all grown up, a few things I would like to say to you: I love you fiercely. You are a boy, you are a Holmes boy, and you are my son, so I'm sure you'll get yourself into plenty of trouble, but here's the important part, keep that spirit of the gentle, determined, sweet bubby with you. Don't leave this part of you in the dust, take him with you, or else I'll slap you! hehehe just kidding

Happy birthday my little dude, mama loves you
TO THE MOON!

the first time I layed eyes on you, I fell in love!

Wacky mama and her boys!

jewls v5.2

So this all started with Ryan entering into yet another weightloss challenge with a friend. He loves his food but he loves winning more so like a supportive wifey, I decided to jump on the band wagon with my man. He turned into this focused animal, eyes on the prize, won't give up will power machine! which makes me look bad, so I started to jog... again....

Keep in mind that the last time I jogged it was a painful activity in purging the shit I'd be stuffing for years. Now I'm jogging and I am fighting back the tears. Tears because I feel guilty for doing something good for me, tears because I feel like someone else when I run, tears because this feels like the beginning of yet another change in my life and I've had about enough change for a while, tears because I want to let this healthy person out of the shell who has been tucked away in a corner for far too long, but it's hard to let go of old habbits and beliefs about yourself, but mostly, tears because I feel free. I put on my grams' socks and lace up my shoes, plug in my ear buds press play and I'm off. The glorious wind in my face that almost reminds me of being on the motorcycle, like I'm flying, like I can go anywhere I want, but I am the engine powering this ride. Fuck saddlebags I'm not bringing baggage on this ride! 
Now typically I'm not the hugest Rihanna fan, but her song comes on "where have you been all my life, cause I never see you around, are hiding from me, somewhere in the croud" My interpretation is this: we are all looking for someone, something to please us, treat us right, make us feel good about ourselves. Well if the answer to that isn't ME, than I don't know what it is. I need to be able to be happy with me, love me in my own skin, be kind and gentle with myself, be proud of myself. If I don't love me than who will? well I know Ryan does, he loves me on my worst days, sweatpants, wild bed head and a snotty tear stained face, he loves me thru it all, but that's not the point here...

So I kept running past the tears and what I found is simply me! Jewls v5.2 A woman who just wants to be healthy so she can be a good role model for her kids, a supportive wife,  and someone who just wants to love the skin she's in! 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?  Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Marianne Williamson

So... I'm going to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous

and pour me another rum and coke!

what about you?

Soy Colombiana! I love my rice n beans! even if they make me fart like a trucker, I don't care!

So here is my ALL TIME FAVORITE MEAL! it brings me back to being a little girl. The simplest of ingredients blended together in the right way and it makes the house smell like ... home

Black (turtle) beans, rice, salsa, and guacamole & corn tortillas with cheese. Now if I could only get my Papa to come and make it for me, the meal would be complete! He always takes joy in preparing meals for his family, it is his gift to us, healthy, wholesome, and delish! made with LOVE

Mine never turns out quite like his does (he says it's the love) but here goes my best rendition of his masterpiece

1 cup black beans-soak them for a few hrs, or for the day, and drain the water, give them fresh water to cook in. It's been said that doing this minimizes the farts, but really, your eating beans, or maybe we're just a gassy family. try it, I hope it works for you!
ok, back to the beans, 1c beans to 4 1/2 c water in the pressure cooker. add a shake of salt, 2 or 3 whole garlic cloves, a small palm full of cumin seeds and a dribble of olive oil. seal that bad boy up, burner on High.
When you hear the first steam blow, set the timer to 20 minutes!  yup, it's that quick, from dry beans to fully cooked! I usually start the rice and the beans cooking at the same time!

Salsa- 3 Lg tomatoes diced, 1/2 yellow onion chopped finely, 1-2 garlic cloves grated fine, 1 red pepper diced. throw it all in the fry pan, saute it all up with some olive oil, a shake of salt, 1 teaspoon of vinegar (you can use white vinegar or papa likes to use vinegar from the pickled jalapeno rings!)  1 tbsp of soy sauce, cook until onions are soft and the tomatoes are melting!

Guacamole - 2 Avocados, 1 finely grated garlic clove, juice from one lime, a shake of sea salt, some chopped cilantro (coriander for all you Aussies!) a dollop of plain Greek yogurt (papa doesn't mix dairy with avocado, some fruit law... can't remember, but I like it and it's my blog dammit!) mash and mix it up!

cornflour tortillas
take off your rings and wash your hands because this can get messy, but it's oh so good! Jacob loves spanking tortillas with me! and then he eats the dough raw, whatever, it's yummy!
I can't tell you exact measurements, it's all done by texture
a cup or 2 of Maseca cornflour a shake of salt and slowly mix in WARM water. mix/knead for at least 5 minutes and until you can knead it all into one ball.  everything sticks from the edge of the bowl, but not too dry. Take a ball the size of a golf ball, and squish between two pieces of wax paper using a plate, you will know if it's too dry if the edges split. if that's the case get your hands a little wet, and play with the dough and try again! OR
If you want to try, do it by hand! I call it spanking you tortilla! As a little girl I watched for hours as papa's friend's wife from Nicaragua make hand made tortillas, passing this tortilla back and forth spanking it, shaping it, it got thinner and thinner with each pass from one hand to the other, it's burnt into my memory.
you cook it on a hot cast iron grill, I have been using the flat grill on my BBQ!, lightly oiled, preheat the grill to High, and turn down to medium. put em on the grill and start making the next one till the grill is full, check often, move them around flip them a few times until they are nice and browned bubbles on both sides.

I like to put a layer or rice on the bottom of my bowl, then some beans, salsa, some put some guacamole right in the bowl, some spread it on their tortilla, some use their tiny hands as spoons and shovel it in their mouths and spread into their faces and hair, totally up to you, but how ever you chose to eat it, belly up to the troph and...

he has loved his rice and beans forever

him too!

made with love!

buen provecho! bon apetit! good eats!

makes me drool just looking at it!

OMNOMNOM!

So folks I decided I might share with you some of my favorite quick, yummy and sometimes healthy meal ideas!

Let's start with some pizza on the grill!
The crust: is the thorn in my side! I love making it from scratch, but I can never get it right on the grill, I'll have to chat with my sister Ashley about that one, she's the pro! so for now we'll go with store bought! thin crust
Sauce: a lovely Italian man told me simple, quality ingredients, and don't forget to add the love! So I usually start with a can of whole tomatoes, not the no name, the expensive ones! some sea salt, sometimes if I have time, 1 or 2 roaster garlic cloves, sometimes a couple of roasted red peppers,  always olive oil and zing it up in the bullet!
toppings: 1. to make it super simple I drop some pretty basil leaves, sliced baby zucchini halved cherry or grape tomato, flesh side up and sliced (NOT grated) mozzarella, makes for a ooey gooey yummy eats
2. If I have a bit more time I like to saute some mushrooms, red pepper, onion, while that's sizzling I add some quality Italian sausage, we like something spicy! spread the sauteed toppings, top with sliced mozzarella
3. I trade tomato sauce for BBQ sauce, saute onion and mushroom, cut up leftover chicken and throw some BBQ sauce on that, and mix it in with the sauteed onions, spread on crust and add slices of mozza!
on the Grill because I love the char yummy on the bottom, and I don't like heating up the whole house with a pizza craving!
preheat the grill, turn it down to medium heat, rub a bit of olive oil on the bottom of your crust and place it directly on the grill. keep a close eye on it, cook until the cheese is bubbly! you may have to turn it around on the grill a few times if you have a hot spot on your grill! mine is always hotter in the back. And to get that yummy specimen off the grill, four words...double fist the flippers!

 

here are just a few pics of the different ways I've tried making pizza on my grill! enjoy!